Saturday, November 30, 2013

Movies I Haven't Seen

Today seems like a great movie day. It's quite cold outside; we've stuffed ourselves silly for two days now so dinner out is unappealing; and being Jews, we don't have to shop. In addition, there's a whole new crop of films released in time for the holidays. But perusing the reviews, I came up empty. Therefore, inventing a whole new genre of critical writing, I present reviews of films I have not seen.

"All is Lost," or Robert Redford in a Boat: I never cared for the actor even when he was young and supposedly handsome, although he was great in "Three Days of the Condor," but that might have been the script and the supporting cast including the great Max Von Sydow and Faye Dunaway, or maybe it was Julie Christie-- I always got those two confused. Now 77, Redford looks old and withered but sports those silly new pearly whites that look like nothing as much as false teeth. What is it with that? Don't people know how obviously fake their teeth look when the rest of them is decrepit? Anyway, the plot is about how a man is lost alone at sea--not sure why although my money is on a storm since the promos show him looking quite wet. He never speaks, which likely makes it much easier to sleep, but there is a narrative voice-over giving some sketchy details about his life. Don't know if he lives or dies, and I don't care.

"The Hunger Games: Catching Fire," a. k.a. Jennifer Lawrence's Career is On Fire. Ever since she won the Best Actress Oscar last year, this yawn of an actress is hot. That will fade soon; just ask Halle Berry. Anyway, she is cute I suppose, but she's no Catherine Deneuve or Ingrid Bergman or even Charlize Theron, and I never noticed any great acting ability, certainly not in that movie she won her award for where she was supposedly bipolar, something I never even noticed the whole time and had to be told afterwards. She debuted in the first Hunger Games as a teen, and now she's back in more games. These have a lot of torches in them, and I am betting a ton more bows and arrows. Again, don't care.

"Philomena" stars British actress Judi Dench (a.k.a Dame Judi Dench so I suppose that means she is some dame) as an old lady. Since she is an old lady in real life that doesn't seem like much of a stretch, so forget going for the acting. It's one of those heartwarming stories about someone who gave up her kid as an an unwed teenager and now goes looking for him. There are trains, and she's got a gay reporter with her covering her story because it is so damn heartwarming. There is also some snide stuff about the Irish Catholic nuns who made her do it, and some Catholic groups are hot and bothered about it. It is apparently quite sad and yet beautiful, and again, heartwarming. They end up in Washington for some political reason having to do with homosexuality, and it's always fun for me to see shots of my old home town, so I may watch it when it gets to Netflix.

"Dallas Buyers Club" is the most appealing, although it sounds quite heartwrenching, which is very different from heartwarming despite involving the same body part. Starring Matthew McConaughey in a tearjerker about death and dying and bucking broncos, it opens with a raunchy sex scene involving him and two women, so if you are into that kind of thing you may want to go. He's a wild ladies' man who comes down with the flu that turns out to be not the flu, and that's where things go south. Matthew lost 40 pounds for the role, and if the movie were about how he did that, I would definitely go see it. Instead it's about him dying of AIDS and looking gaunt, and trailer park trash and rodeos. However, he will certainly be nominated and I predict he will get Best Actor for this career-turning performance.

Mitch and I are staying home and may watch "Inglourious Basterds" for like the fifth time. That part where they blow up all the Nazis locked inside the movie theater never gets old, and it is, after all, Hanuka.


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