One is the Loneliest Number

My husband is off on a road trip for the next three days and once again I am exploring the possibility of polygamy. I honestly see nothing wrong with having more than one mate. What could be bad? Especially now, when anyone can marry anyone, and transgendered folks can use the Men's room or the Ladies' room depending on their outfit that day, and there are nude coed dorms in colleges--what's so terrible about a little extra-marital friendship? Of course, here in Maine the pool of potential candidates is quite shallow. Still, if I put my mind to it I might unearth a decent sort who would be willing to hang out with me while his own wife is away, or maybe she's dead and he's alone and would love some company and killer food in exchange for fixing the toilet or what was that noise or there's a giant spider in the bathroom, please kill it.

I have shared this desire with my husband and he seems to think I might score if I go out to dinner alone and sit at the bar. Sorry, but that is not my style, especially nowadays with those giant plasma TV screens with the hockey and the football going all the time. Then too, he suggests I join some clubs and get out there and "meet people." Never much of a joiner even in a normal city, for me clubs in Maine are out of the question. Also, nobody would let me in, being as I am from Away.

That leaves my doctors and dentists, all male. I do have a particularly endearing periodontist I see once every three months who likes me a lot; I can tell because he spends way too much time pretending to check my pockets. But he is younger by many years and happily married with three kids. I'd hate myself. Another possibility is my hip surgeon, who is really funny and quirky. But getting a new hip seems risky enough without adding possible lover's quarrels into the mix. Besides, surgeons are notoriously narcissistic--this one sure is-- and who needs that? After all, this is my fantasy.

So I'm alone and I have to get used to it. Each time Mitch leaves, I set a goal for how to use my time: make a new painting, paint a room in the house, go on a juice fast--that sort of thing. I guess I'll put in all the storm windows-- I've been meaning to do that. And as luck would have it, I am going to the periodontist tomorrow....