Bullshit 101

Brian never lies. But dogs don't really talk.

Despite the fact that I never say what I really think about my son's girlfriends, my relatives, or sex, I am constantly being called on the carpet for being too honest. Apparently I'm too direct. I always "speak my mind," which makes me "a piece of work." This puzzles me, because I wonder what I'm supposed to be saying if it's not what I'm thinking. It also makes me wonder just what everyone else is saying if it's not the truth; is there a conversation crib sheet I never got? Somehow the creators of TV's Family Guy are able to say incredibly shocking truths by having a dog or a baby deliver the zingers. I wish I had one of those.