Oy Vay, It's Pride Month!

My husband is an executive at a company that employs about 250 people. Recently the CEO has voiced concerns that the company be "more woke." To that end, he "took the pledge" and joined 2,000 other CEOs in an organization called "CEO Action for Diversity and Inclusion." They are committed to   making people of color and alternative sexual orientations feel "included."

My husband is the only Jew on the staff. Nobody, including the aforementioned CEO with whom he speaks daily, has exhibited any concern about the lack of representation of Jews in the company. Jewish holidays are never mentioned and certainly not celebrated, whereas Good Friday merits a company-wide day off, Martin Luther King Day merits a company-wide day off, and there are two or more days off for Christmas, depending on what day of the week it falls. 

The company currently employs two gay people, possibly more who are undeclared. The CEO is extremely concerned that these two (or more) people should feel "included" and thus is fervently seeking ways to more fully celebrate Pride Month in the future, and what to do right now. He has sought my husband's advice on this matter. 

How does one correctly and adequately celebrate homosexuality within an organization devoted to farming and agriculture across the United States? And why?

Cheaper Than a Therapist

Some people (like me) cannot tolerate the sadness of other people's lives. This condition is called 'hyper-empathy" and it can be debilitating. Reading the morning news is virtually out of the question for us, unless one is prepared to feel like shit for the rest of the day, which if you must know is getting pretty tiring.

Yesterday my grief over the collapsed condo in Florida, currently a concrete grave for roughly 150 of its residents, none of whom I know personally, really got to me. So to stop thinking about it I dyed my hair a crazy color which I now hate, and this has given me something closer to home to feel bad about: my head.

Therefore my suggestion for anyone who is negatively impacted by the daily news is to make a mess of your own life and stop worrying about things you can't change. As for me, I have to wait six weeks before I can color my hair again, so I'd say my $9.00 was a pretty good investment and much less than the cost of a decent shrink.

Lord's Prayer, Updated

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

If my entire condo building collapses on top of me before I wake,

I pray the Lord will send in a search team to find me in the rubble and sue the bastards responsible.

Waves On the Lake

Last Sunday my husband and I went boating with a couple of friends. We were on a very big lake, in their beautiful motorboat outfitted with plush seats and plenty of comfy places to lie out and sunbathe. Basically what we did was drive around the lake and wave at the people in all the other boats who were doing the same thing. Back and forth we went, occasionally bump-bump-bumping over the wakes caused by the other boats and trying to keep lunch down. Conversation was minimal due to the noise of the motor.

For some reason, almost all boaters wave and smile at each other as they pass by on the open seas, but drivers of autos on the open road only honk angrily and give each other the finger. I wonder why.

Loners Anonymous Summer Meeting

As one might imagine, membership in Loners Anonymous has ballooned to gargantuan proportions during the Covid pandemic. Of course many people don't even know they are members of an elite club and find being stuck at home alone to be a terrible fate. We know otherwise.

Very little is ever accomplished in a group. Zoom meetings are notoriously non-productive, with everyone present trying to make themselves heard. Meanwhile, nobody is listening since each participant is concentrating on what they will say when they finally get a chance to speak, except for CNN's Jeffrey Toobin who is busy masturbating.

Parties are little more than opportunities to forget your troubles and drink and eat with abandon. Small talk is the language of the party-goer. Nothing comes of a party except a mess is made that must be cleaned up the next day by the host.

For those of us who understand the Power of One, a lot can get done. Furniture is built, books are written and read, gardens are planted, paintings are created, entire houses are built. Right down the street from me, a young man has single-handedly torn down his old, outdated one-story ranch house and replaced it with a two-story home that's far more attractive and surely more livable. Starting when the snows stopped around February, he has done this monumental task completely by himself, with passers-by-stopping to look in awe and offer encouragement. He definitely has earned the Loner of the Year Award.

Meanwhile all the non-loners have happily embraced the re-opening of stores and restaurants and have rushed out for lunch and dinner with friends, and filled the malls intent on buying more stuff. The more athletic go hiking, biking and climbing. These experiences are gone in a flash, living on as memories, but that new house on the corner will likely stand for many years, unless a tornado whips through.

As for me, many new paintings adorn the walls of my home and those of some friends. Who knows -- after I'm dead, they might even be worth something.

 

Red, Brown and Blue?

Has-been singer Macy Gray, an African American, has declared in an op-ed written for a no-name paper that the American flag doesn't represent "all of us" because it has white stripes and some of us are not white, so it should have tan stripes to represent "more melanin." Ms. Gray also calls for two more stars to represent the possible inclusion of Puerto Rico and DC as states.

These people, and by "these people" I mean African Americans, are ridiculous and out of control. They have taken that insidious ''black lives matter'' slogan and run with it. 

Personally, I think our flag should have a big matzoh ball right in in the middle to represent all the very important accomplishments made by Jews in America. As for Ms. Gray, perhaps she should look around for a country that has a flag she relates to and move there.

Happy Juneteenth?

Tomorrow is the official start of a brand new holiday, National Independence Day (not to be confused with Independence Day which has been celebrated on July 4th since 1870), but which is actually being celebrated today since tomorrow, June 19th, is a Saturday and so the government workers would be denied their day off, which as far as I can tell is about the only way to celebrate the new holiday, also known as Juneteenth. As you may know, it is meant to commemorate the day in 1865 when people in the furthest reaches of Texas finally heard that slavery had been ended. 

So why is it a national holiday and not a Texas state holiday, you may ask. Because that would make too much sense, and making sense is no longer done, as you may have noticed. For example, as I was driving along I-295 this morning I passed a car with four occupants, all likely in their 60s, who were wearing face masks. Two in the front seat, two in the back. This struck me as odd since here in Maine the mask mandate has been lifted and out people in that age group have been vaccinated.

More nonsense: Last week a repairman came to fix our broken stove. He turned it on and immediately diagnosed the noise it made as a loose fan. It could not be fixed because that particular fan is no longer being made. The charge was $169.00 for the 10-minute service call. Appalled, I asked how much I would have been billed had he been able to fix it and it took him three hours. He said $169.00. Then today another repair guy from the same company came to measure the stove for a replacement. That cost $139.00, even though the first guy had already measured the space. But this guy today was an expert in measuring whereas the first guy was only so-so. 

Funny that the expert cost less.

Not So Funny After All

I just read an obituary in the Portland Press Herald for a local chef who committed suicide at the age of 44. Incredibly, the opening paragraph stated that "she was known for her raucous laugh and her passion for life."

Now I'm wondering how raucous her laugh was.

Hey Joe, Fix This!

Hey, here's an idea: Instead of the government coming up with new ways to make black people feel better about themselves, how about taking on the Scam Phone Call Industry? It impacts people of all colors, creeds and nationalities -- in fact anyone with a phone, which is like everyone over the age of ten.

Just now I got one of those calls. I was in a pissy mood and felt like yelling at someone so I answered. It was one of those Indian guys (from India, not American Indian) who said my social security card was going to be revoked if I didn't act quickly to fix things. I said, "Go ahead, who cares, I never need it for anything anyway.'' He hung up.

These calls come in daily, at least a dozen a day, on our land line and cell phones. Can nothing be done to stop them? Putting your number on the Do Not Call listing accomplishes nothing. Now that's something that our Congressmen and women can really sink their teeth into. Who knows, they might even be able to help. (I bet if a bunch of black people complained they'd get right on it.)

Joe Biden: Placater-in-Chief

The streets of San Francisco

I can hardly write about race in America anymore because it is so ridiculous. To be black in 2021 is a rare and special thing: You can openly steal merchandise from store shelves right in front of cops and get away with your bag of loot, with no consequences. This is the latest trend in San Francisco, with the viral videos online to prove it.

Another sad fact is that working for the government is the cushiest job there is. There are paid holidays galore, and for those in the upper echelons, pensions to support you until the day you die. Add these two facts together and you come up with a brand new holiday, now a bill in Congress waiting for Joe Biden to sign it into law, making "Juneteenth" a national holiday. What's that you ask? Supposedly it's the day slavery ended in Texas, or something like that. BTW, for those celebrating, and who knows what that will involve, Juneteenth will fall on June 19th. 

Hopefully this bit of chicanery will make them happy. That and being chosen to sit on the Boards of large corporations in America, being cast in leading roles in all the movies, getting money from the government for their ancestors' hardships, acceptance into any college, especially Harvard, with no testing or grades required, and of course mandatory BLM signs on everyone's lawns. That should do it.

Watch Your Mouth

Sterling silver jigger, $750.00

Last night, mixing a drink for a dinner guest, I asked if she wanted one jigger or two of vodka. I was immediately chided by another guest for using that word. 

"What's wrong with saying jigger?" 

"It sounds racist, like that other word it rhymes with."

But it's not racist. A jigger is a measure, also known as a shot glass, used in mixing alcoholic drinks, and probably lots of other things too. But these days you can't be too careful. Anything can label you a racist, and that's the worst thing you can be. Worse than a murderer, embezzler or whatever else you can think of, being a racist makes you almost less than human.

Just to be sure, I looked up "jigger" online and found out it was perfectly fine to say, but I did discover a few other surprising words that are verboten. For example, you cannot say "peanut gallery," as in "Our opera seats were so cheap, we were sitting in the peanut gallery." That's because many years ago the cheap seats in a theater were occupied by African Americans. I always thought it meant you were eating peanuts up there, but no.

You should never say "no can do." Like if a friend asks you to help him move from his third floor walk-up into a fourth-floor walk-up, you might panic and say, "No can do, I have to take my mother for surgery that day, and also my car needs an oil change." Besides pissing off your friend who would know you're lying -- two excuses are always a giveaway -- you would be mocking Chinese immigrants by using that phrase; I guess at one time they did not use full sentences.

Don't say "gyp," as in "That guy gyped me when he charged five dollars for a two dollar lottery ticket."  You can punch him in the face, but saying "gyp" is a slur against gypsies, and God knows there are so many of those around these days, one could be standing right behind you on line at the convenience store.

Proving you are not a racist takes work. Make sure you have that sign out on your lawn, the one that says "Hate Has No Home Here,'' and try to say as little as possible when you are out in public. Never call anyone a thug, even if he is one. Also, keep a jigger handy at all times as you never know when you'll say the wrong thing. Alcohol helps.