Bad Jokes for A Rainy Day

This particular day is more than half over and I have done nothing that qualifies as special, memorable or fun, unless you count doing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle which my husband and I do every weekend and today's was a drag. Boring and stupid, with of course the usual clue about Supreme Court justice Kagan (Answer: ELENA).  Some days are like that. But then you read these books about how you are supposed to make every minute count, and that just makes you feel worse.

My husband says perhaps I could make every minute count by enjoying things that are not traditionally enjoyable, like today's cold, driving winter rain falling on piles of dirty snow with not a hint of sunshine. I find his suggestion sick and twisted. Come on, admit it: It's hard to stay upbeat all the time.

One remedy is to pull out the bad jokes. The ones below come from "A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book," with an introduction by Garrison Keillor written before he was accused of being a sexual predator. It says right on the cover, "Delight your friends and become the envy of your social circle," and who doesn't want that? So go for it.

Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?
She ran away from the ball and she had a pumpkin for a coach.

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese.

Why are you scratching yourself?
I'm the only one who knows where it itches.

Patient: Doc, I'm suicidal, what should I do?
Doctor: Pay in advance. 

What's the best thing about having a woman for president?
We wouldn't have to pay her as much. 

What do you use to fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste.

Wife: Honey, pack your bags-- I just won the lottery! 
Husband: Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, the mountains, or where?
Wife: It doesn't matter -- just get the hell out.

My company put me up in a low-class hotel. I called the concierge and said, "I've got a leak in my sink."
She said, "Go ahead."