Wednesday, July 12, 2017

How I Would Kill Myself

Relax, I'm not going to. But if I were, I would definitely eat myself to death.

I often criticize myself mercilessly for not doing enough. Not being enough, not selling my paintings or getting my books and stories published, for not making any money from my considerable talents, or for not doing enough to help the poor and indigent and homeless, and not wanting to host an exchange student or adopt an abused dog, or any number of things, but most of all for my lack of will power. But today I realized something incredible: I have will power, and tons of it!

What prompted this tirade was an innocent print ad I just saw for potato chips. Potato chips with a hint of lime. I want one. No, I want a whole bag of them. A large bag, and some sort of dip to go with it. But I never eat those things, I never even look at those things. I don't go down that aisle in the supermarket. I turn my head when I drive past Dairy Queens and all the rest of those places. But if I were going to die, or if I planned on dying, I would do it by eating massive quantities of the following until my blood pressure would surely take me out.

Wise potato chips
Lay's potato chips
Rice Krispie treats
peanut butter & jelly sandwiches
egg salad sandwiches
any sandwich
Honey Nut Cheerios with whole milk and raisins
coffee ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and whipped cream
matzoh with butter
Drake's coffee cake
Italian bread
Do you eat any of those things? Well I don't -- okay so I have but not enough -- and I want some. No, not some, I want a lot. What's got me on this rant is that I started a diet today called the No Flour, Sugar Diet and so far I've been really good, but all I can think about is flour and sugar. I hope it passes.


  1. I'm not,on the diet but reading your blog is plenty to get me thinking about flour and sugar. Lots of both.

  2. Now I want an egg salad sandwich.