Monday, June 20, 2016

The Truth About Aging

It's difficult to understand or even accurately imagine what being old feels like until you get there yourself, since the fantasies fed to us through TV commercials and the Botoxed, tucked, lifted and implanted Hollywood elite gloss over the harsh realities. Having turned 70 fifteen days ago but who's counting, I am happy to tell you the truth about a few things based on my own experience and that of my peers.

1. You Can Run But You Can't Hide: Yes, many oldsters can still run. You see occasional news articles about them following marathons, those 96-year-old ladies or 88-year-old men who defy comprehension out there on their skinny stick legs, still going strong. Good for them! But I'd hate to see them that night, or the next day, or the day after that and the day after that. Our bodies don't lie even though other parts of us do, and I'm here to tell you that when arthritis comes a-callin' somewhere around your 60th birthday, then moves in around 65 and starts redecorating, things start to go downhill from there and I don't mean on the ski slopes.

2. Not Tonight I Have a Headache: Or a backache or heartburn or a hernia or hip surgery or knee surgery or gum surgery or my tendonitis is acting up not to mention my bursitis, so let's not have sex right now, check back with me next week. Or don't. I am not naming names but based on my independent research I can report that many older women would way prefer to binge-watch "House of Cards" than get naked in the same room with their husband, or even your husband.

3. The Good Old Days Really Were Better: Everyone knows that. So even though the caption under the photo says, "Goldie Hawn, 70,  rocks a bikini on her St. Tropez vacation last week," if you don't have cataracts you can clearly see that she does not, whereas the old Goldie, meaning the young Goldie, did.

The new old Goldie.
The old new Goldie.

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