Tuesday, March 20, 2012

What to Wear If You Go Anywhere

When you live alone much of the time, and the locals are reticent and fearful of outsiders, and you have three cats to care for so you can't just go off on a lark, you might tend to rely on the television for a bit of recreation; I know I do. But lately, more and more, for me television is an empty well. I turn it on and speed past sitcoms and car crashes and dead bodies and guns drawn and ads for pizza and The Olive Garden and there's Romney and Santorum and the bimbo news girls and some tornadoes and CNN and cops in high heels and those badly-drawn adult cartoon shows and boxing and hockey and basketball and talking heads and more cops and more bimbos and then some cooking and singing and crocodiles and homes for sale and then finally-- something grabs my attention and I drop the remote and settle in for a good time, mouth agape and possibly drooling: it's QVC! I don't even know what those letters stand for, all I know is it's one of those home shopping channels and I find it impossible to look away.

Last night I watched for only 15 minutes but yet I learned so much! New York designer Isaac Mizrahi was the star of that particular hour, and he was there in person, hawking his own stuff. Quite the style maven (see photo), who could be better? He alerted me to the fact that the latest word to describe fabulous clothing is "major." The little short-sleeved sweater with the beading around the neck was "major." The long sleeved-sweater with the butterfly print--the only color left is gray but it's beautiful, really ladies, and looks good on everyone-- was "major, major." I also learned that New York women attend many events for which they need "major" attire, such as weddings and the theater and charity luncheons and business meetings. Oddly enough, all the clothes that Isaac showed were distinctly hideous and obviously made in Bahrain, and I am willing to bet all four limbs that no stylish women from New York or anywhere would be caught dead either A, wearing those clothes or B, watching QVC.

But up here in Maine, where nobody wears anything "major" ever--certainly not me--I watch spellbound as the plus-size models shimmy around the set in the ugly clothes while the chatty salesperson gabs incessantly and seemingly without taking a breath about how they are so fashionable, so flattering, so beautiful. And they all come in so many colors, and each one is nicer than the last: The red is simply stunning, and the green is so fresh, while the purple is special. Then there's coral, which is springlike, and the yellow is cheery, and of course navy is classic, while the off-white, which they call ecru, is neutral and goes with absolutely everything. The fuchsia is daring while the mustard is sophisticated, and the taupe is delicious. But the black--oh, the black, Isaac fairly shouts--is major.


  1. This is majorly funny. Especially the part where the clothes are distinctly hideous . . . I wish I could hear him saying major major major

  2. we can arrange that...it's a weekly show with Isaac!