Doing My Part

Kamikaze drones are quite popular in Russia.

Money makes the world go round. From the minute I wake up in the morning until I go to bed at night, it's buy, spend, buy more, spend more, buy two and get one free, buy today only and get half-off. 

I realize that if I never turn on the TV, or my computer, or look at a newspaper or my phone, I could avoid all that. But then I would know nothing about what's going on in the world and would be caught by surprise if a random bomb-carrying kamikaze drone falls on my house, which could happen. Besides, capitalism is what keeps America humming, and we all must do our part. 

So I turn on the TV and am assaulted by commercials for things I apparently should not be without but somehow I am and still survive. Even something as innocuous as Words With Friends online bombards me with suggestions about how my life would improve immeasurably by purchasing things I don't have, never heard of or couldn't use if I had one. This is capitalism. 

This is also capitalism: Today I stopped at a deli after my gym workout left me hungry. I ordered a turkey and Swiss wrap with lettuce, tomatoes and mustard and a cup of black coffee. Later on, eating my purchase at home, I discovered that I had paid $12.50 for a wheat wrap stuffed with a fat wad of lettuce, a sliced tomato, a trace of Swiss cheese and a sliver of turkey the size of a playing card, making me see that you don't always get what you paid for. 

Still, I did my part, and so far the sky above my house remains drone-free.

Oh Those Hateful Jews

These days, antisemitism is making a comeback across the world, especially at Harvard University. Hopefully none of the Jews still living among those listed below, each of whom has contributed greatly to our society in the areas of the literature, fine art, theater, comedy, medicine and politics, will end up in a gas chamber anytime soon.

Saul Bellow

E. L. Doctorow

Phillip Roth

Estee Lauder

Howard Stern

Elizabeth Taylor

Marc Chagall

Herman Wouk

George Soros

Joseph Heller

Leonard Bernstein

George Gershwin

Isaac Asimov

Franz Kafka

J. D. Salinger

Lillian Hellman

Ayn Rand

Maurice Sendack

Sacha Baron-Cohen

Danny Kaye

Red Buttons

Michael Bloomberg

Ed Koch

Itzak Perlman

Morey Amsterdam

Seth Rogan

Albert Brooks

Robert Klein

David Brenner

Mort Sahl

Lenny Bruce

Jack Black

Goldie Hawn

Ben Stiller

Mark Spitz

Andy Kaufman

Jason Alexander

Eugene Levy

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Billy Crystal

Rodney Dangerfield

Don Rickles

Sarah Silverman

Milton Berle

Jon Lovitz

George Burns

Sid Caesar

Joaquin Phoenix

Ben Shapiro

Jared Kushner

Gilda Radner

The Marx Brothers

Jack Benny

Jerry Stiller

Issac Mizrahi

Gal Gadot

Jackie Mason

Adlai Stevenson

Mel Brooks

Carl Reiner

Volodymyr Zelensky

Richard Lewis

Larry David

Jerry Seinfeld

Billy Joel

Justice Felix Breyer

Art Garfunkel

Daniel Radcliffe

Justice Elena Kagan

Barbra Streisand

Scarlet Johansson

Neil Diamond

Gloria Steinem

Bob Dylan

Paul Rudd

Seth Rogan

Niels Bohr

Jake Gyllenhaal

Pink

Nora Ephron

Karl Marx

Norman Mailer

Leonard Cohen

Leon Uris

Madeline Kahn

Bette Midler

Harvey Keitel

Kirk Douglas

James Caan 

Jeff Goldblum

Alan Arkin

Richard Dreyfuss

Bella Abzug

Martin Landau

David Schwimmer

Natalie Portman

Willian Shatner

Leonard Nemoy

Michael Douglas

Lauren Bacall

Fran Liebowitz

Ruth Handler (inventor of the Barbie doll)

Lenny Kravitz

Susie Essman

Gene Simmons

Gov. Josh Shapiro (Ohio)

Gov. J. B. Pritzker ((Illinois)

Joan Rivers

Buddy Hackett

Bea Arthur

Elie Wiesel

Irving Berlin

Jerry Lewis

Richard Feynman

Mark Zuckerberg

Jon Stewart

Dustin Hoffman

Abbie Hoffman

Paul Simon

Tony Curis

Phillip Glass

Allen Ginsburg

Arthur Miller

Harold Pinter 

Neil Simon

Woody Allen

Harvey Fierstein

George Kaufman

Marilyn Monroe

Jesse Eisenberg

Mark Rothko

Stan Lee

Paula Abdul

Steven Spielberg

Sergey Brin (co-founder of Google)

Lisa Kudrow

Adrian Brody

Adam Sandler

Chuck Schumer

Cary Grant

Marc Chagall

Diane Arbus

Dr. Jonas Salk 

Albert Einstein

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Childhood's End

The following request appeared on a local Neighborhood Watch website recently. Initially I thought it was a joke or some sort of parody. but judging by the slew of positive comments it received I realized the query was taken to be 100% serious. It  left me feeling stunned, confused, angry and more than a little alarmed.

The mom wrote: "My 11-year-old son has come out as pansexual and aromantic. I am wondering if there are any support groups for similar LGBTQ kids in the area."

Had it been my own son I would have asked if there were any child psychologists nearby who specialize in this type of mental aberration in young children. But no -- this lady was looking for other kids who also had determined, at such a young age, that they wanted to have sex with people of all genders and sexual preferences, but without any emotional attachment.

I wish the government would open up all those mental institutions they closed years ago so I could go live in one for the rest of my life.

.

What About the French Fries?

Sage advice dictates that one should plan like you're going to live forever and live like you're going to die tomorrow. Okay, so then what do you do about the French fries? Because if I were going to die tomorrow I'd be having Nathan's French fries with ketchup and salt for all my meals. But if I do that and then live forever, I'm going to be fat and very unhealthy.

It's a quandary.

The Internet: Poison or Panacea?

This isn't even true!

There are plenty of reasons to hate the Internet -- fake news, photoshopped images and completely manufactured stories to name but a few -- but surely the biggest one is its capacity to erode one's self-esteem. And in case I am being too presumptuous, I'll change that to "erode my self-esteem."

Before the arrival of the Internet, I was quite happy with myself. Of course, I was a lot younger and had more to be happy about back then, since it came along in 1991 with the introduction of the World Wide Web, and really took off by the mid-90s when I was about 50 years old, still relatively young and pretty, very healthy, pre-heart attack and with a young child at home I adored who thought I was God's Gift.

None of those things are true anymore, which likely and quite largely may contribute to my diminished self-esteem. Still, I can't help but wonder how I would feel about myself if I didn't constantly read about, hear about and see proof of in photos and videos how others have it so much better than I do. 

I tell myself to look away, don't turn on my computer, don't read about the lives of strangers. But I never listen, and in fact make it worse daily by ingesting even more of it. What's got me down today is a chance encounter with an online story about an Australian woman named Turia Pitt who was burned in a fire in 2011, with 65% of her face and body permanently disfigured and seven fingers amputated, who suffered two years of hell in a hospital, enduring 200 surgeries, and yet has lived a better, more fulfilling and happier life than I ever have by turning her tragedy into a fulfilling career path, publishing three books and running in races and giving TED talks, all with a smile. (Google her.)   

The flip side is that reading about others who have overcome great adversity can and should be inspiring. It hasn't done that for me, so I stick my head in the sand like an ostrich and try not to think about it. (BTW, ostriches do not really do that to avoid hard truths; instead it has to do with digging holes for nesting, a fact I learned on the very same Internet.)

Tired of ingesting things that bum me out, I'm starting an Internet diet, staying offline except for posting this blog and then getting the hell outta here.

A Must-Read for Campus Liberals

Rep. Ilhan Omar, Democrat from Minnesota, born in Hell.

Imagine you're an Israeli citizen in the prime of life, young and healthy, just starting out in a career or a relationship. Suddenly and without warning you are abducted by creatures lacking a soul and a conscience who are agents of Satan. They torture you and keep you hidden away in dark tunnels for almost two years, and according to an article at The Times of Israel.com, here is how you are doing today:

Yosek-Haim Ohana, 24, is suffering from severe mental illness.

Avinatan Or, 32, is facing a severe shortage of food and water.

 Matan Angrest21, was severely abused during captivity and could face permanent disability.

Elkana Bohbot, 36, faces severe mental health issues that have not been treated.

Gali and Ziv Berman, both 27, are both thought to be suffering from mental and physical illnesses.

Rom Braslavski, 21, suffers from asthma and is wounded in both arms.

Guy Gilboa-Dalal, 22, and Evyatar David, 23, who are thought to be held together, have faced extreme abuse and severe hunger.

 Eitan Horn 37, suffers from a chronic illness that has not been treated.

Maxim Herkin, 36, has an injured arm.  Nimrod Cohen, 20, has faced severe interrogations by his captors.

Segev Klaxon, 27, suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and a “deteriorating” mental condition.

Bar Kuperstein, 23, faces serious malnourishment and other health issues.

Ariel and David Cunio, 26 and 34, are both thought to have been held in harsh conditions, and there is a lack of information about their conditions.

Omri Milan, 46, suffers from malnourishment and has been held in isolation.

Eitan Mor, 23, is held in harsh conditions and there is serious concern for his health.

Matan Zangauker 25, is held in isolation and suffers from muscular dystrophy.

In addition, there is “serious concern” for the lives of Tamir Nimrodi and  Bipin Joshi, due to a lack of any signs of life since they were captured.

Remember all these beautiful people the next time you grab your turban or headscarf, scrawl a few handmade signs and head out to excoriate those mean Israelis before going out for pizza with your friends.

Theater Etiquette

This afternoon, my husband and I attended a matinee performance at a local theater. We arrived in plenty of time, and even a little early as is our wont. However, everyone else in our row had arrived even earlier. Since our seats were smack-dab in the middle of the row, five people had to stand for us to reach them. Based on everyone's obvious annoyance, you'd have thought we'd asked  them to donate an organ or something.

As holders of season passes to two different theaters and the Portland Symphony, my husband and I encounter this nonsense often. According to the general vibe, we are expected to apologize for disturbing everyone as we make our way to our seats, which we paid for just like they paid for theirs, stumbling over the stubborn holdouts who won't stand but simply move their knees aside. 

It's basically an obstacle course every time. And why is that? We are not talking running a half-marathon here --  all they have to do is stand up. 

More often than not, these momentarily displaced persons sigh audibly, scowl and grumble under their breath. To all of them I say, "Get a grip!" And also, I suggest getting some exercise so that the simple act of standing up and sitting back down isn't such a G.D. burden.

What's So Happy About Today?

My husband went out early to participate in our local celebration of America's founding. He is set to march in a parade of firemen, policemen, school groups, ladies who lunch, Elks, Masons, and Democrats through the streets of Freeport, decked out in his July 4th tchotchkes (see photo), along with 10 or 12 fellow Republicans in this very blue town. Not wanting to make myself a target of any Trump-hating crazies who may be roaming the streets, or actually crazies of any kind, I passed on the experience.

Call me cynical, I don't care. I also don't care to pretend to celebrate a country that is rife with division, where crime is rampant and hatred between our warring political factions rivals the buildup to the Civil War. Let's face it, America circa 2025 is no fun. The dream has not been fulfilled.

Okay, so we are not ruled by the British -- I'll give you that. I suppose that's a good thing, but it doesn't balance out rioting in the streets, murderous shootouts in many of our biggest cities, drag queen story hours in elementary schools, anti-semitism on our most prestigious college campuses and countless unwashed homeless leaving their dirty syringes behind as they traipse off to yet another outdoor encampment.

Happy birthday, America. Now just get it together and be something to celebrate and maybe I'll get out there next year.

Nowhere to Turn

You can't go outside in July without getting bitten by something. At least, not if you're me. And also, if you are everyone in Maine, America's Vacationland. And what vacation would be complete without bug bites, bee stings and more of the same? So I stay inside. 

But staying inside has its drawbacks as well. Like today I turned on the TV and saw that Trump's "Big, Beautiful Bill" had passed, opening the door to unbelievable vitriol on the part of the Democrats. One guy online commented that "the fence-sitters probably voted yes after being threatened with physical violence," and another wrote, "the party is run like a mob family, no one dares step out of line."

Maybe being outside isn't so bad.

Ours Is Not A Color Blind Society

P Diddy Combs, or whatever the heck his name is, is a piece of shit, plain and simple. The fact that he is getting leniency despite his horrific crimes and that his piece of shit fans are happy about it reminds me of another piece of shit who got off after murdering two white people and his piece of shit fans at the Historically Black Howard University also celebrated wildly, including the law school students. What conclusions can be drawn?

Draw them.

The Worst Drug Of All

The common expression, "There are two kinds of people in the world," is actually false. In reality there are three kinds, and it's indisputable. First there is the person who spends a considerable amount of their precious allotted time alive creating videos they believe to be clever or that feature their imagined talent and will eventually earn them fame and fortune, editing them and then posting them online, and then spends even more time watching the number of clicks and comments they engender. 

The second kind doesn't create any videos, and in fact scoffs at most of them, while spending countless hours watching them, commenting on them and sharing them with their friends. It's hard to know which group is worse for mankind's evolution, which is clearly on the wane intellectually and physically.

The third kind does neither. This is a rare bird indeed, and I have met only one of them so far in my life. She is a nurse who never looks at the Internet. Instead she spends her time actually living, doing things, helping her patients and her family, and being a thoughtful and committed friend. 

I wish I could be more like her but alas, I am in the group that watches the shit that floods the Internet, shaking my head in disbelief and occasionally forwarding a video to a friend or family member. This behavior exacerbates my self-hatred, leading to gross amounts of overeating, ultimately feeling sick and depressed, and thus eating more and watching more videos.

I'm not proud of it, believe me. I am confessing this behavior with the hope that my words might inspire someone to reject engaging in the first two groups and join my friend Teresa R. in hers. She might just save our species from extinction.