Film Review: MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS

One of them dunit. (Except for the dog and the guy with the silly mustache.)

Had I eaten a huge traditional Thanksgiving meal yesterday I would blame it on the scientific evidence that "feast-induced drowsiness may be the result of a heavy meal rich in carbohydrates, which indirectly increases the production of melatonin in the brain, and thereby promotes sleep," but since I didn't, I attribute my intermittent snoozing during the watching of Murder on the Orient Express to a boring script and lackluster performances, especially by the lead actor (and film's director) Kenneth Branagh, whose unappealing face fills the screen much of two hours, accompanied by his farcical French accent. (If you are Kenneth's wife or mommy you will love the movie.)

Based on the character created by Agatha Christie in 1934, Branagh plays the famous detective Hercule Poirot who is afflicted with OCD, but you'd never know it here. Just about the only OCD-ish thing he does is straighten men's ties and demand his eggs be boiled for exactly four minutes. Now that's a disease I could live with. (In fact, I might already have it.) Poirot is traveling aboard the luxury train, Orient Express, when a violent murder occurs. Naturally he is put in charge of uncovering which of the captive passengers was responsible.

I was eager to see this film, having adored the 1974 version starring the far more appealing Albert Finney. And the impressive cast includes Michelle Pfeiffer, Johnny Depp, Judi Dench, Penelope Cruz and Willem Dafoe, plus newer stars I didn't know but assume are recognizable to a younger audience. Despite all that talent it was a disappointing telling of a great story lacking in any palpable suspense, which is  the first thing you want in a murder mystery. In this film, by the time you find out whodunit, whocares?

On the plus side, there are many, many, almost too many, stunning aerial shots of the train snaking through snowy mountains somewhere in Europe (turns out it was filmed in Malta). And it's fun to see what it's like inside a luxury train; this one certainly looked quite grand. There might have been more good things but as I mentioned earlier I was napping on and off, which sort of does tell you something.