The End of the Road

I am not considered an expert in anything, but one area in which I can claim superior knowledge is the ending of friendships. If you are stuck in a dead or dying friendship that is draining your energy but don't know how to get out of it, following are a few methods I have used that are guaranteed to get results.

1. Mock Their Religion
This worked for me with a good friend of thirty years. Over time he had become increasingly religious, and when I literally laughed at his belief that the crackers and wine they hand out at church are the actual body and blood of Christ, saying he must be crazy to believe that Christ's body could be available in gluten-free, whole wheat, low-sodium and regular options, it was too much for him to bear. He never spoke to me again.

2. Criticize Their Spouse
After fifteen years, my very best friend married a moron. I put up with him as long as possible, but then one day we had it out and I told her to call me when she came to her senses and got a divorce. I never heard from her again, not even after she left the guy.

3. Undermine Their Core Values  
This was another twenty-year relationship, during which time I vigorously supported my sexually promiscuous friend during her six abortions. When I finally had a baby of my own, I said that for the first time I could understand how those "right-to-lifers" viewed abortion as murder. She stormed off in a huff and we never spoke again.

4. Be Honest
After the first few months the bloom was off the rose. Still I faked it for a year until I couldn't do one more evening with this couple, who considered my husband and me great friends. I wrote the wife an e-mail saying my blood pressure simply couldn't take one more boring bridge game peppered with her pompous political rhetoric. It worked. (I got one of those emails myself from someone once and I can attest to its instant and permanent effectiveness.)

5. Unfriend Them on Facebook
Never fails.