For God's Sake, Don't Sit Around Crying

Gordon Studer

I just read the worst thing ever, which is not all that surprising since it was on Huffington Post, that cesspool of information that dresses better than the other hookers and thus appears to be legitimate. I was snagged by the title: "11 Things You're Doing That Could Shorten Your Life." Hey, who doesn't want to live longer? So I clicked, hoping I would learn some helpful tips on longevity, like eat more yogurt or don't crack my knuckles, something I have never done but that's the kind of thing I was expecting--practical tips I could enact immediately to improve my chances of seeing a grandchild someday.

No such luck. Instead, they could have called the whole thing: "Don't Be Unhappy." The 11 things included having more sex, and not just any old sex but those orgasms better be damn good ones, and don't watch a lot of TV, or if you do stand up because sitting for more than an hour at a time shaves minutes off your life. In fact, every hour of watching TV reduces your life span by 28 minutes. You should also have more friends and be nice to them, don't be sad, get along with your co-workers, of course have a job and if you don't then for god's sake don't be unemployed for more than a few months. Always be in a loving relationship and get married right away since being single is a one-way ticket to the grave; really, it could cost you a whole decade! Oh, and if you have a job, which you better or you're outta here, don't commute to it, certainly not if you are female, since that is another indicator of certain death.

And by the way, never fear death--that's really bad because that can lead to heart ailments. (Apparently Death is like dogs who smell fear and then attack you; it's a real Catch-22 situation.) And be sure to get plenty of sleep, but not too much; less than five or more than nine hours a night and you're a goner.

So, was that article helpful? Actually, I found it quite depressing thinking of the millions of loners who are out of work. Hopefully they are too poor to have Internet access so they can't read this death proclamation. Anyway, I have to stand up now. It's a good thing I don't have any co-workers to argue with, since not having their support can result in 2.4 times the chance of my dying during the study period.