Less Pie for Everyone

Illustration by Gordon Studer

The headline on the front page of today's Wall Street Journal says: "Government Heads Toward Shutdown." How great would that be? Imagine life without the constant yammering of all those partisan boobs, a.k.a. elected officials, who spend their days excoriating one another in public, apparently accomplishing little but gumming up the works. When they're not filibustering on Capitol Hill they're blowing hot air at reporters on CNN and Fox News, explaining why it's all the other guy's fault.

Admit it: it's embarrassing. No wonder Obama is hiding out in the recesses of his government-funded castle, perhaps playing video putt-putt games to calm his nerves. If the warring sides of our supposedly grown-up politicians can't overcome the debilitating brinkmanship that is the hallmark of the Obama administration, life will go on but we'll have to get by without certain amenities we have come to expect.

For example, the IRS will cancel all audit appointments. I know, I know, it's disappointing--but one of life's harsh realities is that sacrifices must be made for the common good. Another is that the Census Bureau will stop collecting data, so we won't know approximately how many people of what nationality are stuffed in the closets of how many crumbling domiciles in which dying cities today, as compared to ten years ago. Government surveillance of the flu and other diseases would cease, so we'll have to figure out all by ourselves if we're not feeling well. And the National Labor Relations Board would send home 1,600 of its 1,611 employees, leaving only 11 of them to answer the phones.

Admittedly it's pretty bleak, but thank God mail delivery will continue; I simply could not face Christmas without my holiday Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog.