A Plan to Make America Great Again

Say goodbye to tummy aches.... and bulging tummies.

Imagine if food came in a pill. Everyone would be so fit and healthy! There would be no doctors doing stomach stapling or tummy tucks or liposuction. Instead they could use their talents to actually help people with real health concerns. There would likely be no more colon or stomach cancer. The incidence of tooth decay would plummet. No more indigestion or heartburn. Also, no more garlic breath. Bye, bye Tums, Pepto-Bismol, Rolaids, Prilosec and Tic-Tacs.

No more restaurants where people sit for hours yammering about nothing over huge plates of empty calories. And so many restaurants: In Manhattan alone, the number of permits issued for restaurants, bars and cafes rose to 23,705 as of July 2015! Instead, those countless hours spent preparing mediocre food -- an army of servers ferrying it out to the bored and affluent diners who were never even hungry to begin with but just wanted to "go out" and "do something"--  could be spent devising solutions to our country's most dire problems. We could literally make America great again!

Lastly, dare to imagine a pill with only positive side effects! Instead of dizziness, bloating, nausea, fatigue, internal bleeding, suicidal thoughts and actions and erections lasting more than four hours, people would feel energized and tip-top! In addition, it would be so much easier to feed the hungry, and soon enough there would be no hungry.

Someone should get on this right away.