Wednesday, October 22, 2014

When Doughnuts Kill

Now that's more like it!
Maine voters have an issue they can really sink their teeth into this election year: Just how fat can we get our bears before we kill them?

Bear-hunting around these parts currently allows recreational hunters three methods of entrapment that many people, myself among them, consider to be hideous and obscene: chase them down with dogs, mine the woods with painful bear traps, and bait them with jelly doughnuts. God must be cracking up over this. Jelly doughnuts? How about German Chocolate Cake? Or maybe a nice Linzer Torte? Personally I can resist a doughnut whereas I am powerless over pumpkin cheesecake with a dollop of whipped cream. I mean, do they want to catch bears or not?

Governor LePage
In a test of the quality of the doughnuts being used to attract the bears, all three gubernatorial candidates have been stuffing themselves with various kinds to see which is the most effective. Last night they gathered onstage--the candidates not the bears -- for a political debate, and showed the results of their scientific studies. The incumbent Paul LePage was by far the fattest, and so he will probably win re-election. Next fattest was Independent Eliot Cutler, who has doubled in size since he lost last time, coming in third. I guess he heard that obesity wins in Maine. And the Democrat, Mike Michaud, while tubby still looks like he could fit into an airplane seat, so he will likely lose.

Anyway, all three of the candidates look like bears, which I guess is only fitting when you are running for office in Maine.

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