Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. Big Deal.

The words "grandmother" and "grandfather" have been abused by scores of lazy news writers who lack a broad vocabulary to elicit sympathy and add drama to their stories. For example, if a 70-year-old woman who has twin infant grandchildren is involved in a car accident, the headline will be something like, "Grandmother of two dies in car accident." Should we feel worse about her demise because of the infant twins left behind? Why -- don't they have parents?

Or maybe it's, "Grandfather killed  in subway attack." It turns out that a 60-year-old marathoner in great physical shape whose child had given birth to a child years earlier was the victim of a crime. Is his death worse than someone the same age who A, had no children or B, whose own children are childless?

Recently I befriended a waitress at a restaurant we frequent. I guessed her age to be about 35 and started thinking hmmmm ..... maybe she would like my son. (He has a girlfriend but it's rocky.) I mustered up the courage to ask if she was married or had any children to see if a match was possible. To my shock and amazement -- and shock, did I mention shock? -- she said she is 48, married with two kids and the proud grandmother of an 8-month-old. She became a grandma at 47. I'm not even a grandma and I'm 78!  

News flash: Grandparents are not always old, not always frail even when they are old, and not always deserving of our pity even when they are frail and old. Lots of grannies and gramps are mean sons-of-bitches just like anyone else. So let's stop lionizing grandparents regardless of their character. Older people without grandchildren are often even nicer. In fact, in the famous Christmas song written in 1979 by Randy Brooks, Grannie was an alcoholic. (See lyrics below.) And even though she died, Grandpa doesn't let that ruin his Christmas. (The cad!) 

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack,
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Facebook Rules

Something I don't understand about Facebook is that I just saw a video -- they are called Reels -- of a bare-chested black woman wearing a miniskirt with a naked penis sticking out from her waist, which apparently is permitted to remain on Facebook, but my comment that someone was "really dumb"  was removed because it "goes against our community standards" and my account was suspended for three days, although I could appeal the decision.

I think the naked penis on the transgender person is more offensive than calling someone dumb. And anatomically speaking, that penis was in the wrong place, making it all the weirder.

The New Godfather

It's ironic that the most powerful person in the world at this very minute is also the least powerful. That would be Joe Biden, who is technically the President of the United States and will remain so for about another month. Despite his weighty title he has less power than almost anyone I can think of in our government, except for maybe the current Vice-president, you know.... what's her name.

Instead, the actual most powerful person in the world is citizen Donald J. Trump. Laugh if you want. Call him "Orange Man." Call him a convicted felon. Go ahead and tell that to the world leaders who are all flocking, driving and jetting to his Palm Beach estate, Mar-A-Lago, hoping for a chance to see him, meet with him, dine with him or simply kiss his ring.

This all makes me very happy as I believe he has been treated badly by his enemies for many years and yet he never gave up, never ran away, and certainly never admitted defeat. He is truly a role model for all of us. And I find that that pretty damn funny.

Siri Claus Is Coming to Town

It dawned on me the other day that some of the lyrics to "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" are very appropriate and alarmingly descriptive of today's hyper-surveilled, over-governed environment. They follow:

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Siri Claus is already here 

She’s making a list,
Checking it twice,
Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Siri Claus is already here

She sees you when you’re sleeping
She knows when you’re awake
She knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

I'd get rid of that Siri thing if I were you, and soon. And her friend Alexa too.

Whatever Happened to Us?

Lately there has been an increase in two very disturbing developments among our species. While they are not comparable at all in terms of seriousness, they both indicate a continuing downward slide for humanity.

The less serious one, but still sickening, is the alarming increase in homemade videos appearing online showing grotesquely obese women with pendulous, oversized breasts and incredible rolls of body fat posing in teeny bikinis, as if they were lovely fashion models. Some of the women claim that they are starting their "weight-loss journey" while others simply stand there and slowly turn around to show their disgusting bare butts, like that's a turn-on to someone. (If it is, we have even bigger problems.)

The more dire development is the increase in gun violence directed at strangers. When someone murders a person they know personally for a reason that makes sense -- not that I am saying murder makes sense -- like marital  infidelity, child custody battles and financial disputes, we don't feel threatened like we do when it's a random mass shooting. But those are happening with greater frequency, like the one earlier today at a Christian school in Madison, WI where a student and a teacher both died, along with the teenaged shooter. Several others are hospitalized in critical condition.

Something bad is happening to once-normal people. I wonder what it is. Could it simply be that our time is up? Maybe those mysterious drones hovering overhead are picking out houses for after the coming Fall of Man. New Jersey is, after all, a great place to live if you're into city life but still want a backyard.

FILM REVIEW: Carry-On

This film is currently trending, and since I am never trendy I wanted to jump on that bandwagon and see what it feels like. So last night I watched the latest Netflix original, Carry-On. After it was over I felt better about not being trendy. 

Taron Egerton, Jason Bateman

Starring Jason Bateman, who I love even when he's just standing there breathing, I figured it would be great. I figured wrong. Sadly, I'm over my Bateman-love. Alas, all things must end, and I was happy when this movie finally did. 

Carry-On is a Die Hard rip-off from start to finish, only it's set in an airport and there's no Bruce Willis or Allen Rickman or those muscular blonde foreign guys running around. In contrast, this film's supporting cast is pretty lightweight, although I learned later that young people celebrate the lead actor, Taron Egerton, who has been in several movies including Rocketman, playing Elton John. While he might be cute and do well in light fare, he cannot act convincingly in a drama. However I do commend him for not falling through any of the script's gaping loopholes.

The plot is unbelievable and stale: It's Christmas Eve at LAX and a very bad man (Bateman) is determined to get a bomb filled with nerve gas onto a plane and kill everyone on board. There is some sort of political motive attached, but even though my husband and I went back and watched the explanation of it twice, with subtitles on, we still didn't get it. (Not important.) TSA agent Ethan Kopek (Egerton), on his first day at the luggage-screening machine, has his head virtually hijacked when he is given instructions through an earpiece mysteriously delivered to him from a man dressed like an ordinary street bum (Bateman). 

There's lots and lots of talk. Yada, yada, yada, blow up the plane. If Ethan doesn't let the bomb go through security, Bateman or one of his goons who see all through remote cameras will kill Ethan's girlfriend (Sofia Carson). She is newly pregnant so that means two murders and double the number of tissues needed. Yada, yada, yada, the bomb is on a timer and there's only 10 seconds left to deactivate it before EVERYONE DIES A SLOW AND HORRID DEATH CHOKING ON THEIR OWN BLOOD. Count with me now: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 ....... Phew, that was close! 

You get the idea.

Say Nothing

If one can believe anything reported online, things are getting pretty dicey here in America. For example, a woman was arrested in her home yesterday following a phone call with her health insurance company about a denied claim during which she said, "Delay, deny, depose," words scrawled on the bullet casings found at the scene of the murdered CEO of a health care company recently. 

Adding, "You people are next," the assumption that she was threatening to kill someone and is a danger to society sent local Florida cops to her door. The 42-year-old mother of three does not own any weapons. Despite that, her bail was set at $100,000.

So just shut up if you know what's good for you. And for God's sake, get rid of that damn Alexa thing. And your phone. And your computer. And move to another country while it's still possible.

Delete this post.