In and Out Time

Go blow your nose, something is dripping out of it and making me nauseous.....

Once again it's time for those "what's in and what's out" lists written by arrogant newspaper editors, as if they have inside information on these things when really what they have, speaking as a former newspaper writer, art director and editor, is a need to fill column inches with whatever comes to mind.

Having been one of those before becoming an Aging Baby Boomer Who No Longer Matters, I feel justified in coming up with my own list. It's called What I Wish Were In and Out in 2024, and appears below.

OUT

Saying "At the end of the day" unless it's after about 7 pm and the day is over and something has happened of note

Any news article about Taylor Swift except her obituary

Referring to transgender surgery as "gender-affirming" and abortions as "reproductive health"

Discussing one's gender and announcing one's pronouns

Trashing Donald Trump and the millions of people who support him

Long, bleached-blond hair on women over 60 and ponytails on men who are bald on top

Pretending that Joe Biden actually makes any decisions and Kamala Harris is not an idiot

Insisting that morbid obesity is beautiful rather than a clear sign of addiction

Nose rings that look like dripping snot, most tattoos 

IN

Respecting your body

Being a vegetarian

Giving to charity instead of celebrities

Planting vegetable gardens on front lawns instead of grass

Thinking your parents are cool

Jews lauded for their many contributions to society

Complimentary pillows and blankets for use on airplanes

Authentic Caesar salads in restaurants or none at all

Reading books instead of playing video games

Worst Person of the Year

Sexy, pathetic, deranged 81-year-old Martha

Young wholesome Martha

Martha Stewart, once a wholesome home decorating, flower-arranging and cooking maven, is now 82 years old and stays busy between plastic surgery procedures by pawning herself off as a sex object. It's just too sad to contemplate. Her latest is an Instagram selfie (there have been others like the photo above) showing her in a nightgown standing in front of her bathroom mirror, looking oh-so-pouty with her blonde Barbie hair in disarray and a hint of cleavage between her sagging boobs.

How anyone can live to be that old and still think that looking "sexy" matters in this world beset with wars and hatred and environmental collapse is beyond my comprehension. I guess she learned a lot in prison.

Pertinent footnote: My husband just asked what I'm writing about and when I said Martha Stewart, he replied, "Is she still alive?" 

Jews Are Not the Problem

Jews at home, not out terrorizing the neighborhood.

As the latest, trendiest, progressive (i.e. Democrat) embrace of antisemitism sweeps wildly across the world, a realistic look at what's going on right here in America is perhaps called for. Let's face it: Jews are not the problem. 

Jews don't hijack cars, engage in gangland shootings -- or gangs for that matter -- or plan "smash-n-grab" robberies at high-end shops in big cities like NYC, Chicago and LA, later selling the merchandise online for big bucks.

Jews don't abandon their children. They marry one woman (at a time) and remain as head of the family, unless they get divorced at which time they pay alimony and arrange for visitation with their kids.

Jews are not on welfare. They don't take from the government, they give. They pay their taxes, of course with exceptions but for the most part.

Crime is not way up across the country because of Jews. 

Jews don't push people in front of subways, attack random people on the street and beat them to death, or kill innocent clerks in convenience stores. They don't shoot cops sitting in their parked patrol cars eating lunch.

Jews don't loot. 

Jews don't run drug rings.

There's another group of people that does all of the above but which everyone, including our lawmakers and the media, is afraid to mention for fear of chaotic and unmanageable retaliation. Thus they go unpunished, and in fact are lauded by many for having "overcome" their dark heritage.

If you are desperate to be anti-something, at least pick the right something.

Film Review: MAESTRO

There are so many things wrong with Maestro, now streaming on Netflix, it's hard to choose where to begin.  Bradley Cooper's fake nose (to make him look more Jewish, how nice) is not one of them, although you've likely heard a lot about it already. Yes, it's big and clownish, but it's small change compared to the banal script, uber-gimmicky editing and incessant smoking of cigarettes by just about everyone on screen, extras included. 

Bradley Cooper and his nose having a cigarette.

It's less about the brilliance of Maestro Bernstein and more about his many addictions: to fame, to young men, to cocaine, to nicotine and most of all to self-aggrandizement, the latter being a trait shared by Cooper, who directed, co-wrote and stars in this fiasco. Spoiler alert: If you went in loving him, as I did, you'll leave less smitten.

Turns out Lenny was a closeted queen who married a beautiful actress named Felicia (Carey Mulligan) he professed to love although he treated her badly, stuck in the shadow of his increasing celebrity. To make this point clear, in one scene Felicia is a tiny figure actually standing in Lenny's enormous shadow while he is on stage conducting. The marriage produced three children who were kept in the dark about daddy's secret life, despite hearing rumors and the fact that his latest boy-toy often hung out with the family and joined him on dates with his wife, in public no less.  

The film tries so hard to win an Oscar, it's cringe-inducing. Starting out in black and white signifying the early years, then switching to color to indicate more modern times -- oh wow! Jumping from one scene to another with no rhyme or reason, like one minute he's asleep and the next second he's on the stage at Carnegie Hall -- oh wow! Cooper has quite a bag of tricks up his sleeve --  give the man an Oscar already!!!!

The worst part is the intrusive exploitation of Felicia's sudden lung cancer and ultimate death. The telling is grisly, showing us way more than we need or want to see, and yet Lenny keeps on smoking despite her coughing up blood into little pieces of toilet paper. (Ultimately Bernstein had lung cancer himself but died of a heart attack at 72.)

When it's over, one wonders what made Bernstein so great. We certainly don't find out in this movie.

America's Civil War

Hate has no home here! We are all one people! We should all accept our differences and love one another -- blacks and whites, Native Americans and Congolese, Jews and Christians! That is, assuming we're all Democrats and actively despise all Republicans and especially Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis. 

That was the take-away from last night's panel discussion at the South Portland Jewish Community Alliance, where my husband and I went for a screening of Repairing the World: Stories from the Tree of Life. The documentary reports on the aftermath of the shooting at Pittsburgh's Tree of Life Synagogue in 2018 that ended the lives of eleven congregants and wounded six during Saturday morning services. It remains the deadliest act of anti-Semitism in America to date. The perpetrator, a 50-year old "white supremacist," was caught, tried and sentenced to death. (He is currently in a federal prison in Indiana.)

Although the subject was dire, the film was fabulous. Beautifully shot featuring drone footage high over the city of Pittsburgh in autumn, many of the images were stunning. On the ground we were introduced to survivors of the attack three years later, and saw how they were coping with the tragic loss of their loved ones. It was quite inspiring to see the various faith leaders of the city, including Christians and Muslims, coming together to wholeheartedly mourn with and support the Jewish people.

The discussion after the film was not so good. Despite the copious spread of bagels, lox, cream cheese, capers, sliced onions, tomatoes and cucumbers uniting all of us as Jews, the conversation did some damage if you were not a Democrat, something that was assumed by the speakers on the podium and most of the audience. "I'm sure all of us here in this room watch CNN and MSNBC," said one man who spoke up, inferring that anyone who watches anything else is deplorable. 

One of the panelists, supposedly a rabbi although I had my doubts, made several derogatory and downright hateful comments about Donald Trump, earning him obvious vocalized favor with the crowd. His further observation that "Ron DeSantis hates anything woke" also received a positive response from the roughly 40 attendees. Naturally, both my husband and myself kept quiet because that's what Republicans do; it's the Democrats who sow discord -- loudly, often and with much conviction. 

The event made me realize that I feel more accepted among a group of gentile Republicans than Democrat Jews. But the movie was really good, and of course the lox and bagels helped. Still, it was deeply disheartening to learn that "Hate has no home here" excludes those of a different political party, Jew or not.

What Are Palestinians Good At?

I googled "achievements of Palestinians" and found none, zip, nil, nada. Then I googled "achievements of Jews" and found everything you use and wear, all life-saving  medical devices, every scientific advancement, all cures and treatments for all illnesses, all aspects of the entertainment world, and most literary awards.

So go ahead and support the Palestinians and get what you deserve: bupkis. Oh yes, and head scarves.

"Electeds of Color" Party Down

Boston Mayor Michelle Wu, who may be Chinese, Japanese, Tongan, Asian or Korean, I can never tell all those people apart, is hosting a Christmas party this evening for a long-standing group called Electeds of Color. Really.

I guess that means people who got elected to some office and are not white; I looked up the word "electeds" and did not find it anywhere. It's not a word. Nevertheless, the group has been around for at least a decade, and remains staunchly unapologetic about its existence.

The unabashedly racist event was discovered/uncovered when an aide to the mayor, who is herself black so I guess she's going to the party, mistakenly sent out the invitation to everyone, not just the intended audience. The aide later apologized about sending the invitation to white people and hoped they were not offended.

Who knew racism is so acceptable in Boston?

Woke is Dumb

Rhymes with witch.

I hate to be considered a Luddite, but I'm thinking maybe it's time to go back to the old way of doing things. For example, hiring for positions of power based on merit rather than skin color and gender. 

We have a female Vice President who giggles over her love for yellow school buses and can barely string two sentences together, giving rise to the term "word salad." Next is a Supreme Court Justice who could not define the word woman because, after all, "I am not a biologist," although she is a woman. Lastly, the female president of Harvard University blatantly condones language celebrating the death of all Jews, and she's a plagiarist to boot.

What these women have in common besides their questionable judgment and dubious intelligence is their black, or blackish, skin color. I liked it better when we hired people in the way Dr. Martin Luther King suggested many years ago: "Not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character," something abysmally deficient in all of those ladies. 

No biologist!

Can we please get back to being smart instead of being woke?

If You're A Robot, Don't Call Me

I woke up feeling suicidal and not in the mood for my dental cleaning scheduled for 1 pm today. The dentist's office being a 30-minute drive away, I'd have to stay focused long enough to get there and then keep my mouth open for 45 minutes. No way I was up for that unless I was shoving a Nathan's All-Beef Kosher hot dog into it, on a bun with mustard and sauerkraut.

Wondering how long I'd have to wait for another appointment if I skipped today, I called the office. Naturally a recording answered, even though this particular office charges so much for their services they could afford a uniformed staff of ten with nothing to do but answer phone calls. But no, it was a robot asking me to leave a message, which I did.

After half an hour with no call back, I tried again and this time got a human being, or a better-sounding robot claiming to be Nicole. She said I was not on the schedule for a cleaning, or anything, today. "That's crazy," I said, "since I have gotten two reminder emails, one text and two phone calls over the last three weeks asking me to confirm. Which I did each time, and by the way that's pretty annoying."

Nicole didn't know much -- her words not mine -- but she was certain I had no appointment for today. The next opening would be December 27th. I said I'll be there unless my teeth fall out first.

I will tell you this: they can call, e-mail and text all they want, I will not confirm that appointment unless a living, breathing person asks me to. I am done with robots. They think they're so smart but they're not.

Anyway, my suicidal mood only got worse after that.

Inclusive Art

A small art gallery here in town is offering the entire space for week-long rentals next year. The application form includes the stipulation that the show must "focus on community inclusion." I'm not sure what that means but I am going to start inserting a black or brown person somewhere in every one of my paintings, just to be sure. Maybe a Native American and someone in a wheelchair too.

Film Review: LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND

Julia Roberts sinks to a new low in Leave the World Behind, just starting a run on Netflix. Not only is her performance amateurish, but she looks like a haggard crone in this depressing tale of a war waged by some unknown entity that destroys the country's power grid in a far-reaching cyber attack.

Julia Roberts having a bad time.

Amanda (Roberts) and Clay (Ethan Hawke), a harried married couple living in Brooklyn with their two kids, rent an extravagant Long Island beach house for a long weekend. On day one their getaway is interrupted by the late-night arrival of a black man named George (Mahershala Ali) and his young daughter, who claim to be fleeing an unsettling event in the outside world and have returned to the safety of their own home. 

Amanda's loathsome racism surfaces as she doubts George could be the homeowner, despite his impeccable attire and sophisticated demeanor. Clay, more trusting and forgiving, says sure, come in, we'll talk about it in the morning. So George and his daughter go sleep in their own basement for the night.

But the morning brings a whole lot more to talk about. Like airplanes falling from the sky, oil tankers going aground on the beach, herds of deer surrounding the house and the loss of power cutting off all news of world events. No internet, no radio or TV, no nothing to explain the loud booms coming from the sky and the flock of flamingos in the swimming pool. What's happening? They all try to figure it out, to no avail. 

A cameo by Kevin Bacon as a prepper neighbor brandishing a shotgun is almost comical, since his perfect Hollywood-white teeth are blatantly at odds with his rustic, lumberjack character. (Oops, whoever responsible for that was probably fired.)

The ending, like the whole movie, is unclear. It's either the Russians or the Iranians or the Chinese out to get us. Whoever, someone dropped leaflets from airplanes that say "Death to America." Best advice: Don't watch right before bedtime.