Understanding Government

Remember high school? All the pretty girls were cheerleaders and Prom Queens, all the handsome boys were star athletes, all the creative types were in the Drama Club or the school band, or editors at the school paper or on the yearbook committee. The serious brainiacs were in math or science clubs or some sort of national competitions like spelling bees. In my high school three of them competed against other high schools on a TV show called "It's Academic."

Then there were the annoying nerds who nobody liked except for the teachers. So in order to feel a sense of power and get back at all the kids who taunted them, they ran for office in the student government and got to "make the rules" and count the money taken in at the car washes and other fundraisers. 

It's exactly the same in the grown-up world. Nerds like Adam Schiff,  Chuck Schumer and Elizabeth Warren think they are big and important, but it's easy to see the insecure dorks they are at heart. Now's their chance to shine, and they do it at our expense. This explains the high taxes, high cost of gas, increased inflation and those long, boring televised hearings they stage every once in awhile.

The Fat-Shaming Diet

Fat-shaming has earned a bad reputation when actually it is a very good thing. Being fat is unhealthy and it looks bad too. But to avoid getting into any trouble, I recommend that if you are overweight you only fat-shame yourself. (What do you care if other people are fat?) And the very best way to do it is to get in better shape. Only you can care enough, and only you can do it.

Honestly, Jenny Craig couldn't care less about you. She loves you being fat, her entire company and billions of dollars in revenue depends on you failing and coming back for more of that frozen stuff that was real food months ago -- somewhere far, far away from where you are now consuming it. The top executives of NutriSystem love you being fat; that's what feeds their families. Weight Watchers (now owned by the queen of obesity Oprah Winfrey) loves you being fat, their entire organization depends on you failing and coming back for more of their packaged snack bars, frozen treats,  food scales, food diaries, recipe books and calorie calculators. 

In fact, all the authors of all the dieting programs and diet books love you being fat: Stick to their diets and you will remain fat, eating not just bad foods but all their money-making schemes. There is only one way to lose weight and the word "diet" is not involved. It’s up to you and you alone, you can start immediately, and it’s free. The following Five Easy Steps are all it takes. 

1. You have to hate being fat more than you like eating fattening foods. In fact, you have to start seeing fattening foods as bad for you, which they are, and if you love yourself, which you should--and if you don’t why should anyone else?--you will not want to eat things that are bad for you. Simple.

2. It all starts at the supermarket. Do not buy the stuff that is bad for you. If it’s not in your house, you can’t eat it.

3. Look at yourself naked in a full-length mirror. (I dare you.) If you like what you see, forget losing weight. If you hate what you see, don't eat something, do something. Showers work for me. Or take a walk, drinking a huge glass of water, call a friend, paint your toenails, strip the wallpaper, move furniture, do yoga, walk the dog, call your mother. Anything but eating is fine, unless you have stocked the fridge with good stuff like fruit, cut up veggies, tuna, club soda and iced tea. If you have, then go for it.

4. Weigh yourself first thing every morning. As the number goes down, you will become more attached to the New You than the Old You. Really.

5. Eat only nutritious foods. No need to weigh and measure, just eat well, and you know what that means. You don't need to pay anyone to tell you. If you must have a cookie (or a chip or some ice cream or cake or whatever), go ahead and eat it but understand that you are giving away power over your life to something baked in a factory, and not by adorable Keebler Elves but by Serious Businessmen who have hired Evil Scientists to determine how best to hook your taste buds to their dastardly products.

End of story.

Cloudy With a Chance of Covid

Apparently this week's Covid variant, named omicron, is much milder than the normal Covid virus. Several credible doctors treating patients in South Africa have reported only two symptoms: fatigue and a little cough, perhaps lasting a couple of days. Yet Israel has shut its borders to all incoming foreigners, and many other European nations are not allowing people from South Africa and other African countries to enter. And for what? Something less debilitating and as contagious as the common cold?

This whole Covid "game" is getting pretty tiresome, with lame-brains like Joe Biden and Anthony Fauci telling us what to do or not to do about it. (Yeah, lame-brains, you heard me.) I mean, wear your mask between bites? What kind of moron believes that has any validity?

Like many people, if not most in America, I've been double-vaccinated and boosted, and now I'm supposed to worry about a whole new thing. It's unclear what's behind all these shenanigans, but surely something is. Let's hope that doesn't turn out to be even more dire than the virus.

 

When Men Were Men

As a prehistoric Baby Boomer my opinion counts for nothing with nobody. Still, I have many, on a variety of subjects. Today's topic is the sad loss of the male of the species. Oh sure, there are still a few to be found, holdovers from the good old days, but most of today's men are greatly reduced in stature, sex appeal, physical strength and almost all traditional male characteristics. 

A prime example is People magazine's current "Sexiest Man Alive," Paul Rudd. A fine actor and mildly handsome in an average way, to call him sexy is downright laughable. Here are some old favorites whose pronouns were always he/him:

Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Robert Mitchum, Clark Gable, Cary Grant (gay or bi but still sexy), Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, Jean-Paul Belmondo, Jeff Bridges, Montgomery Clift (also gay), Marlon Brando, Denzel Washington, Gene Kelly, James Caan, Humphrey Bogart, John Cassavetes, Laurence Olivier and Roy Scheider.

Above: New York Times photo of San Francisco teacher Brendan Dunlap who says, "Some days a little sundress feels right."

The Never-ending Stories

Back when Trump was in office, the people who generate the daily news were in heaven. They had a built-in story every day, in fact every minute, with which to fill their 24/7-sized news hole. Many of those with paltry imaginations still use him, whether the angle is newsworthy or not. Fortunately for the newsmakers, Covid came along just as Trump's presidency was ending, giving them a whole new topic to exploit, since clearly Joe Biden wouldn't be very interesting.

But eventually interest in that big story started to wane. Enough Covid already, people were thinking. Just in time, the Delta variant showed up and got people talking again, but it's old news now. Nobody wants to talk about that. So today, with a new variant taking Europe by storm, journalists and editorial cartoonists and TV pundits the world over are re-invigorated!  

If you simply Google the words "new strain," you'll get some idea of how much verbiage is being spent on Omicron, as it's called. So many column inches! So many talking heads blabbing about it on videos! How exciting! It's almost enough to push Trump out of the picture. But never fear, he'll surely be back when concern about Omicron dies down. After all, there's always 2024.

  

A Two-Party Thanksgiving Story

Woke (Democrats): "A celebration of racist genocide," the Pilgrims were the original white supremacists who eventually turned into Republicans. They stole the land from the peace-loving Native Americans. They also slaughtered hundreds of innocent turkeys and ate them. On the plus side, they didn't slaughter the Native Americans until much later. (See Dances With Wolves.)

Unwoke (Normal People): The Pilgrims were pioneers joyously settling a new land. To celebrate the first harvest they had a huge feast. The Native Americans joined with them in the celebration and they all ate deer, not turkey.

The Antidote to Wokeness

I barely left my home today. It's so much easier, and certainly the only way to avoid offending someone. Here in Maine, just driving around my neighborhood I am trespassing on the sacred lands of the Wabanaki, and that can't be good. Although according to my son, the tribe ceded the land to the city of Portland so it's not stolen property. Besides, how else can I get around? I never learned to hover.

I did go to the post office to mail some bills. I just ran in without a face mask for a few seconds and then ran out, but not soon enough to avoid the steely glare and harsh words from a masked woman entering, who chided, "Masks are RECOMMENDED in here, didn't you see the sign?" I didn't bother telling her that the postmistress herself told me masks are now optional. Besides, don't two vaccinations and a booster count for anything?

The news is off limits because it's so bad these days and promises to get worse. I turned on the TV for two minutes to see if any active shooters were holding hostages or airplanes had struck any buildings or terrorists had taken over our government, and managed to catch sight of a pasty-faced Joe Biden stumbling through a teleprompter reading, saying, "Today all Americans have more money in their pockets than they had before the pandemic." Crazy talk from a nutty guy we call "Mr. President."

So by nightfall I'm ready for some laughs. Lately I've been watching random episodes of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm which are now streaming on Netflix and HBOMax. It's so refreshing -- the shows mock everybody equally and it's perfectly okay. Wildly funny too. I go to sleep with a smile on my face, resting up to do battle with the Army of Wokeness the next day.

Do Some Black Lives Matter Less?

About 80 thieves, all black, stormed a Nordstrom department store in Walnut Creek, California on Saturday night, each grabbing as much merchandise as they could carry, then ran outside and jumped into into one of several waiting cars that sped away. Inside the store, shoppers reported being terrified as many of the looters, or whatever you choose to call them, brandished crowbars or spray cans of mace.

The day after in Waukesha, Wisconsin, an SUV plowed into a Christmas Holiday Parade, killing five people and injuring more than 40 who remain in area hospitals, some in critical condition. Many are children as young as three years old. The driver, a black man with a long criminal record who recently ran over his own wife in a parking lot, was apprehended by the police.

So far Reverend Al Sharpton, Reverend Jesse Jackson, big-mouth TV personalities Whoopie Goldberg and Joy Reid, journalists Van Jones and Juan Williams and the leaders of Black Lives Matter have been silent about these crimes. When blacks get killed by whites, those folks are all up in your face, on TV, calling out every white person a "white supremacist." So where are they now? And how proud of her country is Michelle Obama these days?

Asking for a friend.

Strange Doings at the Symphony

Today my husband and I were excited to attend an in-person performance of the Portland Symphony Orchestra, the first one since the onset of Covid two years ago. We happily returned to our usual great seats as holders of a season pass, but things were a little more politically correct than they were when last we went.

Upon arriving, instead of walking right in we had to join a long line of ticket-holders that snaked around the corner, down the street and around another corner in order to show proof of vaccination and a photo I.D. at the door. Everyone wore masks, even in the orchestra, except for the musicians playing wind instruments who of course could not. (I sure hope none of those floutists had Covid.) 

Entering the building, we had to pass through a metal detector, airport-style, and hand over our purses for inspection. Right away I got in a bad mood.

The concession stand, which normally did a rousing business during Intermission selling coffee, wine, cookies, nuts and candy, was closed. Signs warned that no outside food or drink, including water, could be brought in. Today there was no Intermission, I suppose to reduce the interaction between attendees. 

What was always the "Ladies Room" was now labeled "Gender-Neutral Restroom." My husband followed me in and used the stall next to mine.

The conductor came out and greeted the audience to much applause. Added to his always genial welcome speech was the following, somewhat dire, pronouncement which he read from a piece of paper: "The Portland Symphony Orchestra would like to acknowledge that here at the Merrill Auditorium we are making music on the ancient sacred land of the Wabanaki." The audience, unsure of what to do with that information since there didn't seem to be any members of that particular tribe in the house, remained silent.

But oddest of all was a woman three rows ahead of us who cradled in her arms what I thought was an infant dressed in a hooded snowsuit. I worried about what would happen if the baby cried during the concert, until I got a better look at the baby and it turned out to be a pug dog. I suppose that was her "comfort animal," although it sure made me uncomfortable.

Deadly Music Feeds Greedy Lawyers

Aerial view of the Astroworld concert.

Just like some people, some lawyers are despicable. Consider the ones currently earning their outrageous fees by suing the pants off of rapper Travis Scott for his "crime" of being absurdly popular with his fans. That popularity sparked the carnage at the recent Astroworld concert in Texas, where drug-infused revelers raged out of control and ten people died at the feet of OTHER CONCERTGOERS. Many more were seriously injured.

Sad, tragic and stupid, yes, but also a big money-maker for the families of the dead, who stand to reap the biggest rewards. Most recently, concert producers Live Nation and Apple, along with Travis Scott himself, were sued for a total of $2 billion by hundreds of concertgoers who claim they were injured when the crowds surged the stage.

A separate suit by even more lawyers is seeking more than $750 million in damages on behalf of 125 victims who still live and breathe. Scott was once again named in the complaint, along with fellow rapper Drake who performed as a surprise guest. On what charge? Supposedly, Scott's past actions and social media posts "glorify violence and other dangerous behaviors" whereas Drake "was well aware of the damage Scott had caused at his shows in the past." 

As for the charge of glorifying violence, for some interesting reading, Google "most violent rap lyrics." There's no end to them. Here's one pretty little ditty: 

"X-Is Coming" by DMX

"Man, if we was up north, niggas would have been fucked you/But then we in the streets, niggas should haven been stuck you/Plucked you like a chicken wit' your head cut off/They'll find you wit' your back open and your legs cut off/And as for your man, don't you ever in your mothafuckin' life/Know when I gotta gun come at me wit' a knife, a'ight?/And forgetting you ever saw me is the best thing to do/Don't give a fuck about your family, they'll be resting with you"

This is what young people are listening to these days. It's a wonder there aren't more dead found at the end of every concert. I'm thinking the lyrics must be written by undercover lawyers.

Some People Get Away With Murder

Celebrating the O.J. Simpson verdict.

The jury has spoken, and Kyle Rittenhouse was found innocent of all charges. For some reason -- even though he is white, the two men he shot were white, the jury was 11/12ths white and the presiding judge was white -- black people have grabbed this verdict and run with it, waving it around as further proof that America is systemically racist. 

Black New York Times journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones tied the verdict to the history of slavery. "In this country, you can even kill white people and get away with it if those white people are fighting for Black lives. This is the legacy of 1619," she tweeted.

I'd like to add to her comment by saying that in this country, you can even kill white people and get away with it if you are a famous black celebrity and hire a dream team of lawyers who lack a conscience. This is the legacy of 1997.

When black O. J. Simpson was found innocent of killing his white wife Nicole Simpson and her white friend, Ron Goldman, hordes of black Americans (who absolutely knew in their hearts that he was guilty) jumped for joy, including even black Howard University Law School students who were shown on national TV, joyously celebrating the verdict at a local D.C bar. 

Yet today black people, led by their leaders in the Black Lives Matter organization, are damning the verdict in the Rittenhouse case as a miscarriage of justice. Go figure!