Face It, You're On Your Own

A typical shrink.

Life is hard. People, if they are brave enough to face the truth and have not deadened their senses through drugs, alcohol, food or video gaming, often feel lonely. They are confused about how to live and wonder if they are lovable. This causes them, in many instances, to turn to a professional for guidance. The pros, called shrinks, have the same problems we all do but hide them better, or try to, during sessions. They are not always successful.

I have been to more shrinks than I can count, even if someone offered me a million bucks to come up with the number. But I remember some of them because of obvious flaws that tipped me off to knowing they couldn't help me one bit. Following are some of the best, or worst, of what I call my Sicko Shrinks, identified here by first names only to avoid an ugly lawsuit.

1. Dr. Eizabeth: A marriage counselor who looked perfectly normal sitting behind her desk, when she stood up and waddled to the door to show you out you realized she weighed about 400 pounds, with a caboose the size of the Acela. No thank you.
2. Dr. Rich: A very small man with a very large Napolean complex, he crocheted during our sessions. The last time I saw him he was working on a pillow cover that said, "Old Age Is Not For Sissies."
3. Dr. Ted: An amateur photographer whose pictures were prominently displayed in his office, Dr. Ted was a dead ringer for Sigmund Freud. When I mentioned, at what turned out to be our only session, that I was a professional illustrator, all he wanted to know was how to sell his work, what did I think of his work and what should he do to improve his work. This occupied at least 75% of our 50-minute hour, for which I paid him 0 dollars and never looked back.
4. Dr. Claire: A legend in her own time, this middle-aged woman was lying on a couch when I arrived for our first session, one of her legs in a cast from hip to toe. When I inquired about her mishap (as anyone would), she countered with, "What is your fantasy about what happened to my leg?" I suggested she get some therapy and quickly fled, more frightened than ever.
5. Dr. David: First off, he stuttered, and one thing you want to avoid in a relationship with a therapist is a problem communicating. (According to NIH, "Approximately 75 percent of children recover from stuttering. For the remaining 25 percent who continue to stutter, stuttering can persist as a lifelong communication disorder.") Also, besides telling me every week that he looked forward to our sessions because I was so funny and made him laugh, he brought his huge St. Bernard dog to the office, explaining it was his "comfort animal." Shall I go on? (I didn't.)

So basically, we're on our own. For the best life results, take good care of yourself, get plenty of sleep, eat well, exercise daily and for God's sake don't smoke!