Wake Me When It's Over

A scene from the 2008 fantasy film "WALL-E" has come true. Now all we need are the red suits.

There's a new movie theater near my house that foretells a grim future for Mankind. My husband and I went there yesterday and quickly concluded we would never see a movie anywhere else. Who would, when the perks offered at the Flagship Premium in Falmouth make you feel like you died and went to Movie Heaven? It's great!

The fabulous experience kicks off immediately, at the ticket counter. Instead of a surly, acne-faced teenager grunting at you, a self-serve kiosk displays a digital seating chart letting you choose and reserve your seat, so there's no need to rush inside to claim one and suffer through all those commercials and previews. Instead you can hang in the lobby, which is a lot like a highway rest stop, with all sorts of yummy choices at the Refreshment Center, none of them good for you. There's also a self-service beverage center where you can get unlimited refills of your sugar-laden soft drink, and a "toppings bar" with a couple of jumbo melted butter dispensers, along with salt and other flavorings for your popcorn. (I didn't have any popcorn but I might next time.)

Inside there are ten little theaters, each with only sixty seats. Well, they're not really seats, more like plush, comfy beds. They start out as seats but when you press a button they recline and a padded footrest comes up and suddenly it is 100% a bed! And with the screen placed up near the ceiling, no matter where you are sitting, or rather lying down, you have a perfect view without anyone's big hair encroaching on your field of vision. There's a cup holder of course, and the bed is very wide, with lots of room for your increasingly widening butt. You could even bring a pillow or your favorite stuffed animal if you want.

The only danger is falling asleep, but that pretty much depends on the particular movie that's playing. That, and growing fatter and lazier every day, like the rest of America.