Sour Grapes Never Tasted So Sweet

I couldn't manage to stay awake last night to see the election results, but when I went to bed Donald Trump was decidedly ahead. No matter, I told myself -- the very same thing happened in 2020, and when I woke up the next day I was shocked to learn that he had lost. Figuring they would just do again whatever they had done back then, I drifted off to sleep. But miracle of miracles, this morning I awoke to the news that Trump had won! 

I was happy, to say the least, especially because I would not have to see or hear that horrible harridan Harris anymore. Democrats are not happy, and today they are unleashing their bitterness on the world. Following is a tiny sampling of their very delicious sour grapes.

"People woke up this morning with a big dream. They are going to wake up tomorrow in a nightmare." -- Van Jones, CNN reporter

"This is why some of y’all states be getting hurricanes. I hate y'all bad.” -- Cardi B, rapper and linguist

“Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy America.” -- Maureen Dowd, New York Times columnist

"It is hard to imagine a candidate more unworthy to serve as president of the United States than Donald Trump." -- New York Times editorial board

"I was so hopeful that a mixed race woman married to a Jewish guy could be elected president of this country, and I think that it had nothing to do with policy. I think this was a referendum of cultural resentment in this country. -- Sunny Hostin, co-host on "The View"

“Why? Give me your reasons why????? My child is sobbing because her rights as a woman may be taken away. And if you disagree, please unfollow me.” -- actress Christina Applegate, post on X

“The fact that the country would choose to destroy itself by voting in a convicted felon rapist and Nazi is a sign of deep nihilism. To put it mildly.” -- actor John Cusack, now-deleted post on X

No Matter Who Wins

For a few more hours, each of us can hold out hope that our candidate might win. It's a scary time. As one media person described it, people everywhere are feeling "nauseously optimistic." 

Today at the local polling place where I worked the early morning shift, there was no talk of politics. It was the first time in months that I didn't hear the word "Trump". Of course those were the rules we poll workers had pledged to follow: No political talk, keep an upbeat attitude, smile at everyone and report any suspicious activity.

Despite trying, I found it harder and harder to smile at everyone as the day wore on. Seeing hundreds and hundreds of members of the public parading by, stopping at my station to check if they were registered to vote, I saw clearly that the average American is really fat and unhealthy-looking. Even the young people looked old and gray. By the time I got home I was very disheartened, and not because of politics.

Moral of the story: No matter who wins the election, we all can and should strive to be our best selves. This means lose the fat, eat healthier, stop smoking, exercise often, and hug a Republican daily. 

The End Is Near (Thank God)

Okay, it's just 24 hours until an election takes place with so many available loopholes and avenues of deceit, only an incurable Pollyanna would think the results will reflect the will of the people. (Dead people mailing in ballots, mailboxes full of ballots set on fire, ballot boxes thrown in a river. Oh please.)

Nevertheless, tomorrow I will participate in the charade and work at our local polling place from 6:30 in the morning until 2 pm. All I ask is that nothing crazy happens, like for example Kamala Harris becomes the president. 

The good news is that it might finally be over and we can all get back to thinking about other things.

Call Me Oscar

Average Trump supporter at home.

Joe Biden campaigned four years ago on the promise that he would "unite the country." Let's see how well he has done.

As of last night, in a grandiose speech written by a team of professional writers so all she had to do was concentrate on her acting, Kamala Harris rejects Donald Trump's ongoing efforts to "sow division" among the American people! She pledges to be "the president for all people"! At the same time, she loves Joe Biden and thinks he is a great president and would not do anything different from what he has done. She has said he is 100% up-to-speed in the work he does. 

So, after letting that sink in, consider this: Yesterday President Joe Biden called all Trump supporters "garbage." I can't decide if that is better or worse than being "bitter, clinging to my guns and religion," as Obama has described me, or "deplorable," as Hillary Clinton concluded.

And they say Trump sows division! He has only called Kamala Harris an idiot with a very low IQ, not every last Democrat in the country who supports her. As for his saying Puerto Rico is a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean, he never said that. Instead, a comic at his rally at MSG said it, and Trump disavowed any prior knowledge of the comic's material. As for the veracity of the offending statement, I cannot comment since I have never been there. 

AT&T Blows

Ah, modern life, wherein technological advances are supposedly making things so much better. Except for all those electric cars that start fires in people's garages and that Roomba vacuum cleaner that does the work for you while you sit on your fat ass watching Netflix with a pint of Ben & Jerry's courting diabetes, things are great!

An example of how far we have come can be found in my failed attempt to change my cell phone number. For the last hour this has been my mission, which I finally abandoned because the robots I dealt with were  clueless and the two humans I actually got through to were even worse. Apparently AT&T, a once-reputable company, has fallen into serious disrepair. 

After searching online for store locations, I called three in my area. Each time I heard the same recording and waited on hold listening to the same canned music, hearing repeatedly how important I am to them. Finally someone picked up at the store in Yarmouth, Maine. The young man stammered a bit after hearing my request, then said he was "new" and "in training" and "didn't know how to do it." I hung up.

The Falmouth store was no better. There, after the whole recorded-music-message bit, another young man picked up and said he could help! "Sure, I can do that," he said, adding he would have to get customer service in on the call so could I please hold on. Then the line went dead, replaced with a dial tone. 

I went online and tried to figure out how to change the number myself but was unable to get very far without entering my name, email, zip code and current phone number. I did all that and received the message that no such person was in their records.

When my next bill arrives from AT&T I will send a note telling them to bill
No Such Person.

Beware of Angry Fat Lesbians

There are two kinds of lesbians. The first kind are average women who prefer the company of other women to men, both in and out of the bedroom, although they may have male friends. Many of them are beautiful, like actresses Portia DeRossi and Ellen DeGeneres who are married to one another. 

Then there is the other kind. They are often fat, usually very unattractive, and have never had a man give them the slightest bit of attention in their lifetime, especially as young teens. Still harboring the hurts from their high-school years, they grow up to be vindictive man-haters. This kind is dangerous.

One such fat, ugly lesbian has been harassing my son for the past six years. She is actually psychotic. I know her name and address and would love to disclose that information here and plaster it on signs all over the city, but I fear for my own safety and that of my son, whose only sin is being very handsome and having a beautiful girlfriend that isn't her.

This crackpot has enlisted her lesbian friends to harass him too, which they do online. She has tried to ruin his business and reputation by posting outrageous and incendiary lies about him on her Instagram account, despite having received a restraining order from the local police to cease. 

If anyone reading this practices voodoo, please contact me.

How Trump Is Like Hitler

The Democrats, desperate as they near the finish line with a lagging candidate stumbling and gasping for air, are trying anything. And I mean anything. Their latest and most offensive tactic, aimed no doubt at the dumbest voters who still are undecided, is to keep repeating that "Trump is Hitler!" They base this trope on absolutely nothing, but hey-- whatever works.

I have done some research and discovered that Trump actually is like Adolf Hitler, in several ways. Here they are:

1. Adolf Hitler was male, as is Donald Trump.

2. Adolf Hitler attracted many followers, as does Donald Trump.

3. Both men put their pants on one leg at a time.

4. Both men have been photographed drinking water from a glass. (see photo)