Thursday, May 4, 2017

Hillary Is Not Fat Enough

This blog gets the most readers when I write a post about fat people or Hillary Clinton. So it stands to reason it would get lots of clicks if I write about how fat Hillary Clinton is getting. Too bad that's such a boring subject now that she's not out there scamming the public daily. Besides, it's hard to tell just how fat she really is under those maternity style jackets and baggy pants she wears. Also, to be fair she is simply not fat enough to be worthy of note. (She is, however, an untrustworthy crook; just ask the Haitians.)

Instead of not-fat-enough Hillary Clinton I will discuss National Orange Juice Day, which is celebrated today in this country. Funny thing: I woke up this morning with the thought in my head: "I want orange juice." I say it's funny because I rarely drink the stuff, it being full of excess sugar and so the actual fruit is healthier, but I do stock it and have a few sips when I feel poorly or need an energy boost. So I chalked it up to morning sluggishness caused by a bad dream and grumbled my way downstairs to the fridge and got some. Imagine my surprise when I learned soon after that today is National Orange Juice Day! Now more than ever, I'm pretty sure I'm psychic.

Having celebrated the holiday to the best of my capability, I am now free to do whatever the heck I want to do since I decided not to take that job working in a garden shop. If I follow the advice of a dear friend of mine, I would spend a chunk of my day staring at a mandala he gave me called the Sri Yantra while repeating the mantra, "Aum Gum Shreem Maha Lakshmi-yei Namaha" 108 times. Supposedly if I do that for the next 40 days I will "noticeably witness transformation."

Despite all sorts of reputable studies (including one from Harvard University) that offer compelling evidence that the staring and reciting thing works, still I think I won't do that. Instead I will spend the next 40 days staring at a photo of my naked body taped to the refrigerator and repeat 108 times, "God You're Getting Fat You Gross Pig" and hope to witness a different sort of transformation that will get me into all those clothes in my closet I can't wear anymore.

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