Saturday, December 24, 2016

Annual Christmas Letter

Donald Trump did not attend.
Dear Friends and Loyal Readers:

Believe it or not, another year is almost gone and I still have not lost those five pounds I vowed to lose last January. It's crazy, really, when you think of what some other people have accomplished, seemingly against all odds. Take Donald Trump, for example.

In August I got a new hip, which is at least something. It works quite well, despite the fact that it's constructed of completely man-made materials which freaks me out when I think about it too much. Or even just a little, so I try not to think about it at all. The same is true of some other things. Take Donald Trump, for example.

Sadly, for the first time in my life I'm down to one cat, which is annoying since the one I'm down to is bored a lot of the time and wants me to play with him. "I am not a cat, I am a person, with all the wants and needs and desires of a person, and I don't want to spend my time playing Catch the Birdie or chasing you around the house," I tell him repeatedly, trying to strike a balance between kindness and authority, but since Lurch doesn't speak English it all just goes in one ear and out the other.

The good news is that I've made some real headway in the friendship department. Apparently it takes the average Mainer roughly eight or so years to trust a stranger. Since Mitch and I got here nine years ago in March, a few of the neighbors are now actually smiling at us and even waving, and many of them attended our holiday party last weekend. (The folks next-door were a no-show, so I still have never met them after three years which sounds crazy but I'm kind of getting into it. Who knows, I may get into the Guinness World Records for this.)

The bad news is the country is in turmoil because of you-know-who, and things will likely only get worse after he officially becomes the you-know-what. So until then let's all party like it's 1969, but make sure to steer clear of that bad acid.

No comments:

Post a Comment