Saturday, May 7, 2016

Under the Big Top, 2017

Admit it: The winner of the next election will offer little more than entertainment for most of us. Our very own Royals, we will be bombarded with photos of the so-called "First Family" ad nauseum. Who would you rather watch? Just imagine:

If Hillary wins we'll see her bulldog mug constantly, barking out carefully-worded yet empty speeches written by teams of Millennials or growling orders to her groveling minions. The bags under her eyes will grow bigger and droopier, and then every so often recede completely after a presidential Botox treatment. She will get fatter with each state dinner, her endless supply of designer pantsuits gradually morphing into Mama Cass caftans. We will watch First Husband Bill grow thinner and more feeble, and if the excitement of returning to the White House doesn't kill him we will doubtless hear rumors of how the old wolf is still chasing interns up and down the hallowed halls. First daughter Chelsea will be around a lot, and so will her kids -- surely she will have several more to fill out her eleven-million dollar condo in Manhattan. Volcanic Hillary cheerleader James Carville will be spewing about something new every day, and Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews will be having constant orgasms, not together of course, on their TV shows, crowing about how wonderful Hillary is.

If Donald Trump wins, every day will be different from the day before. You never know what he'll say next but it will at least be authentic and funny and slightly nutty. The beautiful First Lady will grace the covers of every fashion magazine and possibly the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. His equally beautiful daughters will also become fashion leaders, while his sons will fade into the background, busy running the family business. Trump will surround himself with colorful characters, and the whole administration will be one gigantic reality TV show. The writers at Saturday Night Live will lampoon Donald and Melania constantly, thereby birthing some new comic stars we have not yet heard of, just like Tina Fey was born of her resemblance to Sarah Palin and Dana Carvey's popularity grew from his similarities to George Bush Sr. Following politics will be fun at last!

Choose one this coming November at a ballot box near you.

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