Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Avoiding the Second Arrow

It can't be healthy to hate part of yourself, although it's certainly better than hating all of yourself, a common situation among humans that explains the existence of ISIS. I am lucky that I only hate my high blood pressure, since there are so many other things I could be down on as well. But no, I am supportive of most of my inner workings, outer coverings, thoughts and feelings. It's just that damn high blood pressure that I thoroughly despise and wish to disown.

Of course, not being an idiot, imbecile or moron, three words I am sure must be very politically incorrect these days and may even have been struck from most dictionaries, I understand that my very hatred of my high blood pressure causes it to stay high, and that just bugs the hell out of me. Which in turn makes it go even higher. This morning, for no reason I can identify, it decided to go through the roof.

If I were more enlightened, I would allow it to be high, in fact nurture it and not freak out about it. Just let it be. But letting things be is in not in my nature, which might explain why I never liked that Paul McCartney song. So, instead of just "letting my blood pressure be" 195/92 I swallowed extra pills, cancelled my morning workout, grabbed a bottle of water and a stalk of celery and got comfortable listening to an hour-long meditation podcast entitled "Avoiding Self-Blame." Afterwards, I confidently checked my numbers again and they were even slightly higher! Now that's just plain rude, if you ask me.

It's all got to do with the second arrow. When you experience pain, be it physical or emotional, that's the first arrow. But when you blame yourself for it, thus making it worse, that's the second arrow, and it's way more damaging than the first. I am very adept at shooting those second arrows, and even thirds. If only knowing and doing were not two such different animals, I'd quit it. Until then, I guess I'll keep trying and practice ducking.


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