Monday, May 30, 2016

Man's Mean Streak

A beautiful and rare silverback gorilla who had just celebrated his seventeenth birthday in captivity was shot and killed by zookeepers after a three-year-old boy whose distracted mother had too many other kids to care for fell into the gorilla's own territory at the Cincinnati Zoo. While a video of the incident shows the beloved 450-pound Harambe appearing to protect the child from harm at one point, still the decision was made to take him down because the boy's life mattered more.

Once again we are reminded that the only reason Man is at the top of the evolutionary list is because he wrote the list. Obviously, the kid's mother should be somewhere near the bottom.

Friday, May 27, 2016

If Your Phone Rings, Don't Answer

"From now on, hold my calls!"
New studies have found with 100% certainty that cell phones cause brain cancer in rats. This leads any intelligent person to two conclusions: First and most obvious, if you have a pet rat do NOT buy it a cell phone, or even let it use yours occasionally. If you already have been doing so, get ready for a pretty sick rat in your future. Second, and more important, it's a good idea to stop using a cell phone yourself.

Since most people continue smoking despite the dire warnings associated with that practice, chances are there will be little drop in cell phone use among the general public. Seeing as how I already worry that I have brain cancer, being severely neurotic and dizzy often and just plain unlucky health-wise, I intend to cut my use down considerably. After all, who needs that?

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Film Review: HIGH-RISE

Leading man Tom Hiddleston paints his new apartment. (And he's the most normal one.)
The only redeeming quality about High-Rise is that it has no redeeming qualities, quite an achievement for a film that's been in the works for thirty years. Based on JG Ballard's 1975 sci-fi novel once deemed "unfilmable," the futuristic story is set somewhere around 1970s London, although you never see London or anywhere else since all the revolting action transpires inside the high-rise of the title. It's a tale so tall that honestly, it's just plain dumb. Much of the dialogue is incomprehensible, owing to all the British accents or just plain mumbling, but it hardly matters since whatever the actors are saying cannot possibly justify, or even explain, what you see on the screen.

If you must know, High-Rise attempts to be an allegory about the age-old struggle between the rich and the poor, I think. Inside a brutalistic, ultra-modern (back then) apartment building, the tenants are richer the higher up they live. Within weeks of occupancy by a bunch of sex-crazed lunatics things go awry when the electricity falters and the high-floor people get more of it than the low-floor people. Tempers flare, and I do mean flare, and suddenly people are eating their pets, drowning in the swimming pool and beating the shit out of their neighbors, unless they are raping them. Amidst all the mayhem a suicide is completely understandable, and in fact I envied the guy for getting the heck out of there.

The building's architect, played by a shockingly frail Jeremy Irons, lives in the penthouse which has an outdoor terrace the size of Central Park, complete with the trees and a horse or two. Apparently his wife is into riding. She's also into other women, but then everyone is into everyone, literally. As the chaos grows for reasons we never understand, orgies proliferate in every nook and cranny, so if you're shy about sex scenes stay away since there's always someone screwing someone somewhere in this pre-AIDS, free love culture where every last person smokes cigarettes, sometimes during sex.

People die, there's lots of blood and gore, and absolutely no logical story. If you are a weird pervert, or even just a run-of-the-mill pervert, you'll love it.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Stuff Your Face with Pizza While Watching Game of Thrones

I think I'll try writing a popular blog for awhile, just to see what happens. Who knows, it might make me happier. And as the Buddha said, the purpose of life is to be happy, so it would be a very enlightened thing for me to do. I'll have to start binge-watching Game of Thrones to catch up, which seems like a real drag but if you wanna throw a party you gotta pay the band, as my husband likes to say. This is far better than his other favorite expression, "The only way out is through." I hate that one, especially when he said it during the whole nine months of my pregnancy and repeatedly while I was in labor. That was not what I wanted to hear for those twenty-three hours.

So, back to my plans for a happy, popular blog. It will discuss TV shows, of course, and say things like, "Can you believe she got kicked off DWTS when really that other one was such a klutz?" (Note to self: Check whether DWTS is still being aired.) I will also begin printing recipes for chocolate cupcakes, chocolate cookies, chocolate mousse, donuts, pancakes, waffles and whoopie pies. I may even change the name of the whole damn blog to Yummy or Yum Yum or Stuff Your Face. Maybe Stuff Your Face With Pizza, I'm still in the testing stages. (Hence the title of this blog post.)

I hope this doesn't sound like sour grapes to you because it's not. I do have plenty of dedicated readers, it's just that I am so out of the loop, and I want to know what it feels like to be in the loop at least one more time before I die. Years ago I was securely in the center of the loop, back in my twenties, but I didn't write a blog then. I was too busy being stoned and going to rock concerts, and besides, there was no such thing as a blog. It would have been great. I could have written about that Janis Joplin concert in Madison Square Garden when she brought out a few of her surprise guests. She was really drunk but still so fabulous. I miss her.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Who Would Buddha Vote For?

Things cannot go on this way. I think we can all agree it's time for a major change. Enough with the "same old same old" in the world of phony politics and phony politicians, none of whom have any idea of what it means to work for a living, unless you consider flying around the world on a private jet that has a shower and a kitchen and beds and staying in 5-star hotels and never needing to carry money or drive in traffic "working for a living." So, much to my own surprise, I am slowly coming around to being able to entertain the possibility of voting for Donald Trump as president come November.

For many people I know, this decision is considered a "no-brainer" in two distinct ways: First, that to vote for Trump one obviously must lack a brain. And second, since the only other choice will be Hillary Clinton, a lying, scheming, pompous, self-satisfied, screaming harridan who has gotten where she is by clutching onto her husband's flapping coattails and is, without him (and by the way Bill seems to have some health issues so who knows for how long he will be of any help) unworthy to hold the office, obviously voting for her indicates a lack of good judgment, making a vote for Trump a "no-brainer" in the traditional sense.

According to Buddha the purpose of life is to end suffering and be happy. Based on that premise he got pretty damn big and now has billions of followers. So I say we would all suffer less with Trump as president, since I truly believe he's got what it takes to prevent ISIS from cutting off my particular head, and yours too. Besides, what fun watching Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer all having cows together on election night! And imagine Hillary's concession speech -- now that will be something to see. Makes me happy just thinking about it.

Monday, May 23, 2016

This Too Shall Pass

Of these choices I like #2 the best. What fun the Future will be!

I am sick to death of the Internet. Sick. To. Death. Aren't you? Of course if you were born after the Internet was invented, then you have no memory of what real life was like before. Well I'll tell you: it was better. So you are probably thinking, "Well Andrea, just get rid of your Internet. Throw your computer away, get rid of your service provider, and just become a Luddite." Okay, to be honest I don't know what a Luddite is, not really, so I'll just Google it and be right back......Okay, so now I know. And yes, I am one.

Of course, the fact that it took me only seconds to find out what it means instead of two days is good, I guess. But then, having to go to a library instead of remaining stuck on my living room sofa might also be a good thing. I might meet new people. I might even make a new friend. Although, concerning friends, don't get me started. There are no friends anymore, not since the Internet. People don't call when they can just look for you on Facebook and find out everything they need to know. And forget getting birthday cards in the mail, that's done. Now it's just those automatic "Happy Birthdays" on Facebook, like that's supposed to count for anything.

And this blog. What is it? If I stopped writing this blog I might be doing something real instead, and by real I mean something that pays. And what the heck are you accomplishing by reading it? Nothing. Not one thing, except maybe my friend -- my real friend, from real life back in junior high school -- Melva in Florida who loves reading it and lets me know, and sometimes we even talk on the phone, with our real voices.

Okay, I'm done complaining since there's no turning back. I get some comfort from the thought that the Internet will be old hat someday, with future generations of multi-sexed humanoids amused at how primitive it was compared to the computer chips implanted in their brains at birth. I'm sure I'll be long frozen by then, and believe me I am not getting thawed out until the day when real people answer the phones instead of those robots that tell you to "push 1" for this and "push 2" for that. And when I do come back, I'm definitely choosing a different head.

The Joy of Spring Cleaning

Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter.
If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life.

The preceding poem, "Ten Thousand Flowers in Spring," was written by Wu-Men, a practicing Buddhist and the head monk of the Lung-hsiang monastery in China. He lived from 1183 to 1260. Imagining how many fewer "unnecessary things" there were available to cloud the mind when he wrote those words makes me laugh out loud. No wonder we all suffer from so many ills today, some of them of our own making.

I've consistently found that frequent cleansing of the mind through meditation, even for a brief spell, can do wonders. Sure it's a pain in the neck in the beginning, and it doesn't seem very exciting, but once you've mastered the habit it works like a charm. The best part is that there's no wrong way to do it.

Wu Men (also called Mumon) was a head monk of the Lung-hsiang monastery in China. - See more at:
Wu Men (also called Mumon) was a head monk of the Lung-hsiang monastery in China. - See more at:
Wu Men (also called Mumon) was a head monk of the Lung-hsiang monastery in China. - See more at:
Wu Men (also called Mumon) was a head monk of the Lung-hsiang monastery in China. - See more at: