Thursday, February 11, 2016

Bibi for President

Him I could vote for!
Suddenly it hit me: I do not love my country. How could anyone? Things are a mess here, and the future looks grim, what with our choices for president being either A Rock or A Hard Place, no matter who wins the nominations. So, casting about for a new homeland, Israel came to mind. Last night I did some investigating online and stumbled upon an article entitled "10 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Moving to Israel."

Naturally I read it and lo and behold, every one of the author's complaints was music to my ears. For example, the citizens are gruff and outspoken! Me too! Everyone is impatient! Me too! Spontaneity trumps long-range planning beyond two weeks, probably because the people can't be sure they even have two weeks! Spontaneity is my middle name! The people are superstitious! Me too! (Bite your tongue.) They treat strangers like family! Great, because I could use some family! Best of all, there's tons of Jewish foods in all the Jewish restaurants, and ever better, tons of Jews eating inside them! Finally I can be one of the crowd and not "that pushy New York Jew who says whatever she thinks." (The nerve.)

All kidding aside, I am seriously looking into this. There is no way I'm sticking around for a President Trump or a President Hillary, and no way anyone here is going to elect a President Sanders. But in Israel, the president is always a Jew!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Let Nothing Upset You

The front page of today's New York Daily News is a horrific abomination, a twisted perversion of what a newspaper once was and should be. A color photo of Donald Trump in clown makeup accompanies the huge headline: "Dawn of the Brain-Dead." It also labels his supporters as "mindless zombies" and does nothing to calm the increasingly troubled waters of our political landscape. (Seascape?)

Okay, agreed -- the Daily News is nothing more than birdcage liner. Still, many people read it, and for those poor souls who are not bright enough to form their own opinions, it has weight. If only the following inspirational passage were on the front page of instead, it might help the zombies on both sides of the aisle feel better about the world:

Let nothing upset you;
Let nothing frighten you.
Everything is changing;
God alone is changeless.
Patience attains the goal.
Who has God lacks nothing;
God alone fills every need.

            – Saint Teresa of Avila

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

What Can You Say About Our Next President?

Marco Rubio: big baby, creepy, canned, smirking, smug
Chris Christie: fat, big fatty, obese, attack dog
Ted Cruz: smarmy, snarky, not nice, ugly
Jeb Bush: soft-spoken, smart, wimpy
John Kasich: smart, balanced, experienced, cool
Donald Trump: loudmouth, rich, adolescent, insane
Ben Carson: nice
Carly Fiorina: female
Hillary Clinton: shrill, dishonest, self-satisfied, full of shit 
Bernie Sanders: smart, Jewish, radical, adorable

Thank God for the Mute Button

How stupid are we supposed to be? According to the advertising agencies responsible for the blizzard of commercials pounding us daily, the answer is "pretty." How else to explain what we see and hear? For example, almost every prescription drug ad has an unseen narrator listing the drug's horrible side effects while something distracting is going on visually, as if we won't hear all the dire possibilities if there's a woman with big boobs in a bikini or a couple salsa-dancing the night away. Okay, I get that. That doesn't bother me anymore, but what really irks me is when the voice says, "Don't take Trifoxin (or Zolexa or Bifurkin or Domeldar) if you are allergic to Trifoxin (or Zolexa or Bifurkin or Domeldar)." Thanks for that tip, because as you suspect I'm a complete moron and I might take the stuff even if I'm allergic to it.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch with tongue and eyes.
Then there are the cartoon bears selling toilet paper. Certainly we all know that bears do indeed shit in the woods, but have you ever, on any camping trip, found evidence that they use toilet paper of any type, specifically Charmin? And have you ever seen a red bear or a blue bear? No.

In the world of commercial advertising, everything and anything can talk: Almonds, beer cans, bowls of cereal, the cereal itself (see photo), pizzas, cats, dogs and babies. And every happy couple is interracial. And every happy family is interracial. That would be nice, and I guess we are headed in that direction, but it's simply not true today. (In my whole life I have known two.) It's offensive and annoying to be treated like an idiot and yet be expected to buy a certain product. And if Marie Osmond doesn't shut up about those fifty pounds she lost like ten years ago I honestly don't know what I'll do. Maybe vote for Donald Trump, since I'm so dumb.

Monday, February 8, 2016

In the Doldrums

It's a whiteout again at my house and I'm wondering, again, why I live here. Yes, there's no crime and no traffic, but there is snow and a lot of it, every time I turn around it seems. Snow is just plain stupid, and that includes skiing. It piles up everywhere and then hangs around for a really long time, getting dirtier and uglier with each passing day. I'm already sick of it and it's only early February, which in Maine is like the middle of December in other places.

I concede that my unwillingness to "accept" the weather is a clear sign of how far I have to go until I can claim to be enlightened. I am the opposite, if there is such a thing -- I am endarkened. But I'm not the only one who doesn't like it. Today one of the Weather Channel reporters standing out in the storm somewhere in New Hampshire shouted over the howling winds, "Right now the snow is hitting me in the face and it's extremely painful!"

I found his statement hyperbolic. Extremely painful? Really? Snow in the face? I thought back to my 23 hours of labor during  natural childbirth and laughed. Except on the football field, men are such wimps.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Do Not Like Football

The Superbowl is what everyone is watching tonight. Some other nights it is the Academy Awards, or maybe the Republican Debate, the Grammys or the State of the Union address. In fact, with so many people doing exactly the same things at the same time, it's a wonder strangers aren't friendlier to one another.

I am not watching the game but I am sitting in the room where it is on the TV, and I gotta say it is so boring if you're not into it. Piles of men falling on top of each other. A lot of talking about the black quarterback, which is some kind of big deal I'm not sure why. Other men in odd outfits yelling. Now comes the half-time show. Oh no. Gotta get out of here.

I didn't get out in time and I am so sorry about it. I saw Beyonce and her thighs.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Reading Between the Lines

I'm glad you're reading my blog, although I'm not sure why. I get few comments and so never have the satisfaction of hearing that I informed anyone or made anyone laugh, except for one very special friend who always tells me she loves reading it and I love her and have since the 7th grade. But as for anyone else, no. On the other hand, if I were confident that my readers were total strangers I could pull out all the stops and discuss indelicate topics I avoid because friends, and this includes my son, might judge me poorly.

I don't make any money at this, unlike times gone by when I was paid to write about specific things that maybe I didn't care about much but did it for the money. Now I'm free to write about anything, except for my fear of being thought indelicate. So in the interest of growth, at the very least (and I do mean the very least) I present here a list of the Top 10 Topics I would tackle if nobody were reading:

After Doing It for Like Fifty Years, I Gotta Say Enough Sex Already
Suicide is Not Wholly Unreasonable in Certain Circumstances
It Must Be Nice to Have Parents Who Left You a Lot of Money
How Can Anyone Even Consider Voting for Hillary Clinton?
"The Onion" is Not Funny, It's Just Childish
If You Ever Stop and Think About It, Oral Sex is Pretty Gross
Sue Me, But Monogamy Is Boring
I Am So Excited to Have Obama Be Over
Some of My Friends Are Truly, Certifiably Crazy
Dumb People Should Not be Allowed to Vote, Let's Face It 
Rachel Maddow Is Sickening: Discuss