Wow Them At the End

Hoping to go out for Chinese food today, I was dismayed to learn that the only two viable options will be closed. Still, as the matriarch of our tiny family I am committed to making the day a pleasant one for my only child, who will remember all my faults after my death;  not having a Thanksgiving dinner will surely be on the list, right after my being kidnapped at the age of four and thus ruining his life because he had to hear about it.

As is advised in the great film Adaptation,

Robert McKee instructs the writer Charlie Kaufman

(played by Nicholas Cage), 

"Wow them in the end and you've got a hit!"

Still, I just can't make the prescribed meal like a rat in a laboratory so I'm cooking whatever the heck I want. Today it's pot roast but there will be apple pie and pumpkin pie for dessert, naturally with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream as options. And really, isn't that all that matters?

 

Top 10 Most Vile Celebrities

Jennifer Lopez: Missed her calling as a pole dancer

Whoopie Goldberg: Fake name, false persona in a garbage bag

Robert DeNiro: Former actor turned lunatic loudmouth 

Kim Kardashian: Human version of Mr. Potato Head

Rachel Maddox: Man trapped inside a female asshole 

Chris Hayes: Icky vermin that speaks

Nancy Pelosi: Millionaire pretending to be a commoner

Ilhan Omar: Hates America and Americans

Kamala Harris: Brown-skinned clown in a DEI-world gone mad

Hillary Clinton: Outdated old bag of evil tricks

Christmas Confusion

Christmas is so two-faced. As a Jew, it's hard to know which is the most important one to most celebrants. There's the whole Jesus-virgin-Mary-born-in-a-manger-son-of-God thing, with people going to mass on Christmas morning or Christmas Eve. And then there's this:

Note to Internet: TMI

Some people believe the birth of the Internet was a good thing. I am not one of those people. If you ask me, the Internet talks too much, telling us way more than we need to know or even want to know, and often without even asking for it. 

Like those Chatty Cathies who describe their painful periods or tell you details about their unhappy childhoods, all over crudités and hummus at an office party, the Internet springs difficult information when all you wanted was the name of a nearby Chinese restaurant open on Thanksgiving.

Today, while searching for the name of a Chinese restaurant nearby that's open on Thanksgiving I stumbled upon a story about a medical condition commonly referred to as "no-burp syndrome." It has a medical name which thankfully I have already forgotten, but I was compelled to read about it because I'm pretty sure I have it!

I never burp. Not now, or anytime in the past. Turns out this is not so good and leads to several quasi-serious and some totally unfortunate health issues, which as luck would have it I do experience on occasion. Am I supposed to call my doctor and ask about treatment for this?

It's not fatal and I've got bigger fish to fry. I just hope I can forget it. Maybe I'll just ask my doctor friend Robert about it when he finishes with his bone marrow transplant. And believe me, if you want to know the details of that brutal procedure, just Google it. You'll find out way more than you wanted to know.

What's In A Name?

While working at the polls last Election Day, I realized something that might actually fix what's wrong in my life. No, it's not my gender -- I actually welcome sitting down to pee. Rather, it's my name. 

What happened was this. A woman came in to vote and identified herself as, "Lynda Doyle. Lynda with a Y." (Like there was gonna be a Linda Doyle, Linda with an I, coming in to vote after her? Whatever, it made me realize that she felt her name was special enough to mention its spelling. Maybe I should do that and feel more special too.

My name is Andrea. It's ordinary, although not all that common -- for example, there's never been a Hurricane Andrea. Anyway, it reeks of yesterday when names were normal and not just a bunch of letters strung together. But hey -- I want to be with it, now and somewhat funky, despite being as old as the hills. 

Just yesterday I got a funky, spiky haircut suitable for a teenager. So my name should reflect who I am, which is a young person trapped in an old person's body. To that end, I'm testing out the following: 

'Nd-raya, Awndray'A, Raya, Rea, A+Ndrea An/Dreee'A, and Rhoda.

I think Rhoda Rouda has a nice ring to it.  Anyway, hopefully someone reading this will weigh in.

Is It Something In the Water?

Is this the best they've got?

Seriously, what is wrong with the Democrats? 

Once again they are rallying the troops behind Cackles Harris, former Veep laughingstock and subject of late-night comedy upgraded to presidential candidate after the Loser-in-Chief was exposed on national TV to be a bumbling dunce in need of a nap. 

Is it solely because Harris is half-Jamaican, half-Indian and thus has brown skin? What else does she offer the American people? I am honestly confused.

Even worse -- not that anything could be worse -- if Harris chooses not to run, the next two clowns poised for the nomination are Governor Hair Gel of California and Pete Buttsex, former mayor of a small town in middle America.

According to recent polls and telephone surveys, half the country is brain-dead. I wonder how they got that way. Is there not one decent, smart, non-bizarre Democrat willing or able to serve? Why not? Is it genetic? Are they doomed from birth? 

#1 Worst Career Decision

Quick -- what do Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Bacon, Ice-T, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Ted Danson, Jeff Goldblum, Jane Seymour and Julia Roberts all have in common? They are all super-rich actors who drive luxury automobiles, fly in private jets, live in Hollywood mansions with homes in other cities as well and can afford private security, yet they lower themselves to hawk goods in TV commercials. 

Not only are they taking lucrative
work away from struggling actors who need the money to pay rent and eat, they cheapen their own reputations. Apparently being wealthy means never having enough money. I say boycott whatever it is they are selling, including their movies and TV shows.

Dumb and Dumber, Black Version

You can't call a black person "low IQ" even if they have a low IQ without incurring the wrath of the Woke People. So what I'm about to write could get me in a heap of trouble, but here goes: Democratic Texas Rep. Jasmine Crockett is stupid. 

She recently claimed on the House floor that Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Lee Zeldin took $750 in donations to his campaign for Governor of New York State from none other than the infamous Jeffrey Epstein. However, public records show the donations came from a completely different person, a doctor named Jeffrey Epstein, and that the donations were made a year after the pervy Epstein died in prison.

Crockett said her "team" did "a lot of digging" to find out that bit about the donations to Zeldin. So she also hires stupid people. Hilariously, I recently heard a journalist on CNN say that Crockett is the current "head of the Democratic party" and plans to run for president in 2028. 

Oh my God, LOL and give me a break. That makes as much sense as Whoopie Goldberg announcing she would "like a job in government" after she leaves The View and hopes to be appointed as a United States Ambassador. 

Hey Whoopie, I think there's an open slot in Haiti.

The Box is Nice, But How's the Pizza?

Corporate America must have a really low opinion of the typical American consumer. I can't say I blame them, but still it's insulting. For example, an article in the Business & Finance section of today's Wall Street Journal reports on how Domino's Pizza aims to lure new customers with its first rebrand in 13 years. 

Before I go further, let me say that I asked my focus group of Domino pizza-haters, a.k.a. my husband, what it would take for him to change his opinion. Mitch was ready with quick answers: "Free delivery. Two-dollar pizzas. Better pizzas. And meatballs."

"You mean a meatball pizza?" I asked in order to clarify. "No, just meatballs. I like meatballs," he replied. With the exception of the last one, his answers made perfect sense. But that's nothing at all like what Domino's is planning. 

Their rebranding will consist of brighter colors on the pizza box, a new jingle in their ads featuring country music star Shaboozey, and a thicker font in their logo. And if you order a pizza with a stuffed crust, it will arrive in an "upgraded, elegant black and gold box" instead of the ordinary red, white and blue they've used until now. 

Anyway, as I said at the beginning, it's insulting. Like they think we care what color those used pizza boxes encrusted with melted cheese and grease are for storing our family heirlooms and important papers. Also, I hate thick fonts and I never heard of Shaboozey.

TV Series Review: THE MORNING SHOW

When it premiered in 2019, The Morning Show was a fun series that mimicked the fallout surrounding TV's favorite morning show anchor, Matt Lauer, who was discovered to be a sexual predator while on the job. Starring Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon and Steve Carrell, it had a lot going for it and kept my attention throughout the first two seasons. After that it got sort of crazy, as if the writers were making it up on the set, possibly while sniffing cocaine.

Now into Season Four, the plot is meandering but still totally off the wall. The writers may now be tripping on acid. Steve Carrell is long gone, as is any semblance of reality. I doubt anyone involved can explain what's happening, but working as a journalist at a TV station has very little to do with it. 

We watched one episode last night, and all I can say for sure is that Jennifer Aniston, once considered one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, if not the world, is slowly morphing into Andy Rooney. I wonder, did she ask her plastic surgeon for that result? (See photos below.)

Andy

Jennifer

One Less Turkey

After countless years of getting out of bed early to stuff a turkey and bake two kinds of pie and fix cranberry sauce and green beans and stuffing and mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and eating the same thing as everyone else for dinner for some reason I don't understand and which isn't even based on reality -- apparently the Pilgrims did not have turkey when they feasted on Plymouth Rock or wherever they feasted -- I am not doing Thanksgiving this year. It's enough already.

I am happy and sad about this simultaneously. Happy because I'm free at last, but sad because I only do it for my son to give him memories of a happy family dinner after I'm gone, but it's never happy. In fact, our biggest blowouts have often happened over this meal. So he'll have to content himself with memories of all the other Thanksgivings I've made since his birth 38 years ago.

Besides, my own mother never made a Thanksgiving meal, not once. She was a terrible cook and would not even know which end of the turkey to stuff and I still loved her anyway. (Fortunately my grandmother could whip up that meal in her sleep, so I was not deprived of this ritual as a child.)

Perhaps if we lived somewhere other than Maine we would be invited to dinner at a friend's house. Alas, that has not happened in 15 years here, where family is all that matters and strangers are considered strange. Anyway, one less turkey will be eaten this year. At least that's something.