How to Become A Celebrity

Becoming a great actor or actress requires talent. But becoming a famous actor or actress, or celebrity of any kind, requires a long list of attributes but talent isn't one of them. What is needed varies for men and women, although both genders must be completely lacking in humility, modesty and the belief that we are all created equal. In fact, they must truly believe that they are better than almost everyone else on the planet. (Think Jennifer Lopez.) It also helps a lot to have famous parents, or maybe an uncle or aunt, to get you through doors impenetrable to the average person.

Women must have ample breasts and a big backside, real or fake, and the burning desire to show them off constantly, often bare and in whatever situation arises, in the most outrageous ways. Just today I saw a photo of the singer Rihanna arriving at the Cannes Film Festival in a dress with a slit up one side to the top of her thigh, completely baring her right leg, and a huge circular cut-out exposing her naked abdomen and tummy. Being pregnant, there was that "baby bump" that she wanted everyone to see. Why? Possibly to get her unborn child accustomed to being in the spotlight.

Male celebrities need a lot of what we Jews call chutzpah. They don't have to pose half-naked but they must be ultra-masculine and very cocky, no pun intended. Has-been TV star Jon Hamm is the best example: a little talent, a big ego, and a beautiful young wife -- the younger the better. 

Common human traits like compassion, pride, a desire for privacy, the fear of embarrassment, emotional intelligence, kindness towards strangers and self-knowledge are not only unnecessary but actually get in the way of reaching the upper echelons of celebrity status. I used to think that having a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was an important factor, until recently when actress Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy bought herself one. Who knew that's how they got them?