Friday, July 7, 2017

2 E-Z Steps to a Skinnier U

One of my favorite pastimes is keeping an eye on the new diets that come out, each with a set of complicated rules and regulations about how to lose weight. This is silly since if any of them worked there would be only that one and no new ones, and there would be no more obesity epidemic. Alas, that has not happened and so the books keep on coming. I just read about a new diet plan that costs $1,000 to join. (Wow, that's a whole lot of Oreos!) What you get is a daily video from an attractive coach yelling stridently about how to keep your mouth shut, which is apparently what it takes to stay focused on your goal. Their food plan, called Bright Line Eating, is based on four rules, the so-called "bright lines" of the program:
 No Sugar
No Flour
Three Meals A Day (no snacking)
Weigh and Measure All Foods

There's a snazzy website and lots of quizzes to take to see if you are addicted to eating or if you are ready to lose weight, like you need a quiz to answer those questions. The head honcho of the program is a "Doctor" so right away you know she is an expert on many things. She also says she once had a weight problem but now it's gone because she knocked it out of the park with her simple four-step plan. Well guess what: I have a two-step plan and it's really easy to follow. No weighing or measuring, and you can eat all day if you follow my rules. I call it 2 E-Z Steps to a Skinnier U, and it's a cinch. There are just two rules:
 Don't Eat Bad Food 
 Don't Eat Too Much Good Food

To get you started, below is my handy list of Bad Foods to eliminate from your diet immediately! (Keep it on your fridge if it's big enough.) If a food is not on the list that means you can eat it, but not too much. The experts here at 2 E-Z Steps, none of whom are doctors (actually it's just me), have developed an easy mantra to help you remember the rules: "The less food I eat, the more weight I will lose." Just repeat this 1,000 times each day, especially at birthday parties, office retirement parties, weddings, holiday dinners, and all celebrations involving vast amounts of calorie-laden foods, which is to say all celebrations, or even just a simple dinner party or evening out with friends.

Ring Dings
Devil Dogs
Twinkies
Brie
Camembert
all soft cheeses
pecan pie
all pies
French fries
potato chips
sour cream dips
ice cream
gelato
movie theater popcorn
movie theater candy
cheesecake
all cakes
marshmallows
Mallomars
Cheez-Its
Cheetos
stuffing
candied yams
corn on the cob
Rolos
M & Ms
Swedish Fish
Twizzlers
baklava
tiramisu
cannoli
malteds
flan
risotto
mashed potatoes
fried dough
fried seafood
fried chicken
molasses
chewing gum
candy bars
cotton candy
Girl Scout cookies
funnel cake
all cookies
sugar
whipped cream
sweetened cereals
donuts
lollipops
cinnamon buns
Auntie Anne's pretzels
candied apples
brownies
blondies
corn dogs
bologna
fried onion rings
poutine
mousse
all puddings
 Campbell's Soups 
fajitas
burritos
Pop-tarts
French toast
Ritz crackers
all crackers
home fries
pancakes
syrups
bagels
blooming onions
batter-fried anything
frozen pizzas
frozen dinners
Tater Tots
muffins
ketchup
jams
 jellies
 preserves
sweetened soda
sweetened applesauce
Starbucks Frappucinos
fast-food cheeseburgers
Chinese take-out
restaurant Indian food
macaroni & cheese
peanut butter
 beer
whiskey
Jello
store-bought fruit juice 
Planter's dry-roasted peanuts
fettucini Alfredo
creamed soups

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