Old People Don't Eat Pancakes

IHOP courts old people with the wrong stuff.

I am such a better person now, yet have so much less value to society. My resumes go unanswered, I guess because the bigwigs do the math and figure I am too old to hire. But back when I got any and every job I wanted I was actually a much bigger risk, staying out until all hours and taking bizarre recreational drugs that messed up my thinking. Many was the day I'd show up at work on time but surely not as my sharpest self. Still, I was young and thus worth the investment to my various employers.

These days, after a good night's sleep I start the day with a tablespoon of fish oil, a glass of fresh-squeezed lemon juice and a probiotic. I meditate regularly, take Tai Chi classes and get daily exercise. Weekly acupuncture treatments help expel any negative energy bouncing around inside me, assuring that my chi is unblocked, which is definitely better than if it were blocked, since, according to many sources, "the unimpeded circulation of chi and a balance of its negative and positive forms in the body are held to be essential to good health."

All things considered, I am actually a better person today than ever before. And still, having through no fault of my own been born in 1946, I am considered too old. And even though that also may mean I am wise, all it gets me is a discount on pancakes at IHOP (and some other places). But guess what: Old people wouldn't touch a pancake. Only kids eat pancakes. Ironic, isn't it?