Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Winds of Change

I'm taking this picture with me.
Since my days are numbered, and so are yours by the way, I have decided to make 2014 my "Year of Living Dangerously," which if you recall was a great movie based on a book of the same name. I have already started my new plan by enjoying a very unhealthy breakfast for a change. Enough with the eating good foods--I'm sick of it. And no matter what I eat, or how much--be it an entire cheesecake or two skinny carrot sticks--I always weigh the exact same thing, which is really weird especially since it involves a fraction. I won't print the number here because it's none of your damn business. Besides, a person's weight is the very last thing that is not find-outable online. Facebook doesn't know! Intelius can't find out! They can tell the world your age, criminal record, past addresses, former spouses, and every other detail of your private life it seems, but they can't find out your weight! Ha!

Anyway, this morning I consumed a toasted English muffin (100 cal., 8 gr. fiber) smothered with almond butter (1 TBS., 95 cal.) and black cherry jam (1 TBS., 40 cal.)! Not at all good for me, except for the fiber! And not even one damn piece of fruit or friggin' antioxidant blueberry along with it. Next, I am going to walk right in to an unknown hair salon and demand they make my hair platinum blonde--enough with the cautious "warm brown with gold highlights" crap.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I plan to start it as a bleached blonde who eats badly. After that, who knows what terrible thing I might try.

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