A typical day on The Amazing Cat Diet & Exercise Plan goes as follows:
1. Wake up and make coffee. Feel free to eat a healthy breakfast, if you can stand it what with all the meowing.
2. Feed all three cats, change all water bowls and empty and top off all litter boxes. This will require bending over at least six times, so make the most of it. (If you add new litter by pouring it from a 35-pound box you will greatly speed up your results.) Pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down to read the morning paper. **
3. Within moments, Fluffy has finished eating and is at the back door wanting to leave. (See photo.) Stand up and walk over to the door, then open it and let him out. Close the door and return to your seat, making sure to keep both feet on the floor.
4. Sip coffee. Mouser is at the front door crying to go out. Rise and walk to the door, open it and let him out. Close the door and return to your seat. Your coffee is still warm; have a sip, while slightly arching your back.
5. Kitty-Do wants to go onto the porch. Stand up, fully erect, take long, measured strides over to the porch door and open it, then close it after him, return to your seat and sit back down. Immediately rise to let Fluffy back inside, this time at the side door.
6. Sit down again. Reach for your coffee, which is now cold. Within seconds, stand up and walk over to let Mouser back in the front door. Return to your seat, keeping your back straight as you sit down. Groan, expanding your lungs.
7. By now Kitty-Do is wanting to get in from the porch. Stand up, stretch, and open the door to let him in. Close the door. Sit down again, but immediately get up to let him exit through the garage door. Return to your seat. Do not cross your legs. Groan audibly.
8. Fluffy wants out. You know the drill.
Repeat steps two through seven 50-75 times per day.
**To tone your upper arms, perform the preceding exercises while reading on a computer--it helps to have a laptop. Then each time you stand up, carefully place the computer on a nearby table, stretching your arms fully as you do so. Every time you pick the computer up and sit back down again, your latissimus dorsi, deltoid and pectoral muscles will be involved.
*As with any exercise program, check with your doctor to see if you are healthy enough to endure the rigors of The Amazing Cat Diet & Exercise Plan.