Host Anderson Cooper, scowling appropriately yet still tensing his impressive abs underneath his Italian silk suit and merlot-colored tie, gave the debate rules: A long question from him, giving him plenty of screen time, followed by a teeny tiny answer period for the candidates. And so it began:
1. Herman Cain is so over. Having soared to the top of the polls in recent days, the others all attacked him and his 9-9-9 tax plan. He tried to defend himself by talking about apples and oranges, hoping to get them off track and onto fruit salad, but to no avail. Goodbye Herman, we hardly knew ye.
2. Mitt Romney's chin looked bigger than ever, and it's a good thing since he had to take so much on it last night. At one point he looked like he might cry, but he pulled it together and maintained his dignity.
3. Villainous Rick Perry was the bully on the playground, pointing fingers at everyone. Looking even more pompous and puffed up, and never more like Sheriff Woody in "A Toy Story," he tried to score big by talking over Mitt Romney at every opportunity, and by leaking his own news that he has a "plan" that will fix everything, which he promised to unveil next week, if anyone still wants to hear it by then.
4. Michele Bachmann finally got the memo about her glossy, straightened, fancy hair being too distracting and so she wore it pulled tautly back in a bun so that we could see her ears, finally...I always wondered if she had any. Well, she does and they are considerable! She tried and failed to get equal camera time, desperately shrieking "Anderson, Anderson," several times. She did manage to shout out "Michele Bachmann dot com" once or twice. She wore white and looked quite virginal. Still with the long fingernails, however.
5. Ron Paul was smart and still seemed too old, Newt Gingrich was even smarter and still seemed too fat, and Rick Santorum was the bratty little know-it-all intent on shaming the grown-ups into being honest. He will make a great VP for someone.
I'm pretty sure any one of them can beat Obama, including Anderson Coooper.